Old and Ridiculous!

Twitter Heads

2011-07-05T20:06:00.012-05:00

I know the vast majority of people don't have a Twitter account. As a result, I thought I'd post a selection of tweets from mine. Keep in mind, each Tweet can have a maximum of 140 characters including spaces. That's why some of these are somewhat abbreviated. Here you go:

8 seconds ago: Someone hacked into Fox News and Tweeted false statements about the Pres. They ruled out Biden since he can't even sign on his own acct.

6 minutes ago: Exxon Mobil spilled 1000 barrels of oil into the Yellow Stone River. Would someone please tell the oil companies oil and water don't mix!

39 minutes ago: VP Joe Biden recently joined Twitter. He said he wasn't sure what Twitter is but it sounds really neat!

1 day ago: Apple will soon release I-phone 5. They considered releasing 6, 7, or 8 but decided to continue releasing the phones in numerical sequence.

1 day ago: Venezuelan Pres. Hugo Chavez is recovering after the removal of a cancerous tumor. Doctors r baffled he's able to function without a head.

26 days ago: If it weren't for dishonest politicians, Ellen Pompeo would be president, James Spader would b VP, and congress would not exist.

26 days ago: After much investigation I finally found an honest politician; he's buried in Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield, Illinois.

That's a sample for what it's worth. To set up your own Twitter account, go to the "App Store" on your smart phone and down load the 'Twitter' app. Once it's on your phone, just follow the directions. You can find me at "rollarustic" (one word). When you do, click on 'follow'. Within 3 days of signing up to follow me, you will receive something in the mail as a token of my appreciation. It will probably only be the regular kind of stuff you get in the mail, but what do you expect for nothing?

Life lesson #3837

2011-07-05T07:28:00.008-05:00

Last week I spent 5 days and 4 nights fishing the U.S./Canada boundary waters out of Ely Minnesota with my good friend Tony, his son's Henry and George and nephew Mitchell (Mitch-Mitch you son of a gun!).
Aside from having a great time, I learned how liberating it is to not be bogged down with a lot of stuff and to have to get by on just the bare essentials.
On the long canoe trip out, one of several large packs of equipment was accidentally picked up by a group of folks at one of the 2 quarter mile portages on the way to our camp site. We didn't know it was missing until we had completed the nearly 5 hour canoe trip and were already setting up camp.
The missing pack contained all Tony's clothes and personal affects along with all my clothes. My personal affects (toiletries, flashlight, knife, hatchet etc.) were in a separate back pack, but Tony had literally lost everything.
Realizing it could take days to track down the pack and knowing we were totally worn out from the canoe trip, we decided to just make due.
So, over the course of the next 5 days, I wore the same pair of pants, the same shirt, same pair of socks and the same fleece pullover. Thanks to the generosity of young George, I had 1 additional pair of underwear to rotate through; washing and drying one pair each day while wearing the other.
As a result of that experience, I realized how nice it was each day to not have to make choices about what to wear when I woke up. I realized how much easier it was to have a very limited amount of things to keep track of. I realized how little a person actually needs to get by. And I realized how having a lot of things just seems to complicate living.
Not one time while we were out fishing the pristine boundary waters, did I think about my lost clothes (actually I did think about them one time when both pairs of underwear were wet at the same time). I didn't think about my clothes in the evening while we were sitting around the camp fire eating fresh caught Walleye and I didn't even think about my clothes each morning when we woke up at sun rise to start the day drinking camp fire coffee in the same clothes I was wearing the night before when we retired to our tents.
On that trip, I learned the power of simplicity. I learned how liberating it is to only have to manage 1 pair of sunglasses, or 1 pair of shoes. And I learned that having too much stuff is highly overrated. I'm going to try to not forget that.

2011-06-23T09:19:00.007-05:00

A good toilet in a public establishment is one of the most under rated items on planet earth. If I ever open a restaurant or retail shop, I'm going to design the entire operation around the men's room. The ladies room will be even nicer.
There's not much worse than eating out with your wife and friends and just as you finish a nice cold Miller Light and your first cheeseburger, "BOOM", you're hit with a gut rocket. You know from experience it has very short fuse.
You excuse yourself from the table and after nonchalantly asking the waitress "Where would I find the restroom", you slowly walk in that direction. You try to convey to the other restaurant patron's you're in no real hurry, when the fact is you're set to go off like a road side bomb and only through the grace of God will you have even the slightest chance of arriving at your destination before there's really no longer a need for it (unless the bathroom it's equipped with a shower and a men's clothing store).
You scream around the corner, hit the bathroom door hard enough to take it off it's hinges, scramble inside and to your horror, you find there's only one stall and based on the commotion coming from the other side of the door, it's apparently occupied by at least one very large fat man and perhaps 3 or 4 circus midgets. Son of a gun!
By some miracle you're able to hold on until the Ringling Brothers side show is finished. When you finally sit down to what might be the greatest relief of your life, you realize there's no lid, no paper and enough "fluid" on the floor to wash down a medium sized elephant. The only bright spot in this entire operation is you won't have to slip out the back door and zoom home for a quick shower and change of clothes.
Thanks Mrs. Restaurant proprietor for having the fore thought to at least provide me with a "hole"....very thoughtful.

Seekonk Adventure

2011-06-22T09:16:00.003-05:00

Sue and I are getting ready to head home after 5 fun filled days in the North East. We went with our great friends Scott and Kim to attend Scott's family reunion in Seekonk, Massachusetts. Scott's mother Judy and her man Art were gracious host and we had a fun time meeting their extended families and touring the greater Seekonk area. Scott showed us the vast majority of his old stomping grounds, however, didn't have time to show us where he attended band camp or kissed his first girl (he thinks it was a girl).
We spent 24 hours in Boston with Scott, Kim, Max, Courtney & Cole and Zack & Ashley, and attended a Red Sox game in storied Fenway Park. I now know why Fenway has the reputation it does and discovered you have to actually go there to understand it.
Boston is one of the most outstanding places I've ever been and Sue and I are already planning a trip back---more on all this later.
Lesson confirmed this past week: when good friends invite you to attend their family reunion or some similar family event (of which you technically have no business being at), don't over think it and just go. It was one of the funnest 5 days we've ever had!

Measure of a Man

2011-06-15T07:36:00.058-05:00

What does it mean to be a man?
My two brothers and I were fortunate to grow up in a family with a Mom and Dad who loved and respected each other and who loved and cared for us. I don't recall my Mom and Dad encouraging us toward achieving greatness or making us feel that we had to bust out into the world and seek our individual fame and fortune. I think they had expectations for each of us that were higher than that. Our parents expected us to do things like respect our elders; obey the laws; drive safely; to not talk back to our teachers; to finish high school, and either go to college, get a job, or join the military. I'm confident they hoped we wouldn't get a girl pregnant out of wed lock, would stay away from drugs and alcohol, and for sure expected us to never do anything that would result in getting ourselves arrested. The bottom line is, they expected us to give a good effort toward the things that matter, treat people right, and be productive citizens. They didn't just hope for that--they expected it and we knew it.

Our Dad wasn't the kind of dad who sat us down all the time to share his philosophy on life. He didn't spend a lot of time lecturing us on what we should and should not do nor was he much on giving speeches at family gatherings. Our Dad taught my brothers and me how to be men through his actions more so than through his words. He taught us how a man acts through the visual example of showing us every day of the week what a man looks like and how a man behaves. He knew we were watching, and not knowing for sure what we would and would not remember, he must have realized early on that he had to set a good example all the time and not just on Sundays.
Although I was fortunate to have some other good men around me as I grew up and as a young adult, I learned most of the real critical stuff from my Dad. And I'm not just talking about how to swing a hammer, cut a board or make a jig (inside story). Among many other important things, my brothers and I learned from our Dad how a man is supposed to treat his wife as well as how to respect women. Let me explain:

In the fall of 1973, my then 16 year old brother Larry and I decided to go duck hunting at Bray's Lake. Bray's Lake was over a mile through the heavily forested woods behind our house. It was a long walk up and down those Missouri hills.
It was also deer season and Larry took along a few slugs for the old bolt action 12 gauage Dad traded off Paul Mesplay several years earlier-a guy Dad worked with for years at the Rolla post office.
As we neared Bray's, we walked up on 3 deer about 50 yards in front of us. The wind was blowing toward us and since we were walking very quietly on a well worn path, they didn't hear us. I'll fast forward in the interest of your time.....
After arriving home with the deer Larry shot (he had a tag to shoot a buck but he didn't have a doe tag) and after much frantic discussion (involving numerous phrases like "What were you thinking", "What the Sam Hill" and "Don't you ever do that again....", my older brother apparently thought he had received all the guidance he needed on the subject of whether or not he should ever do this again.
As Larry and Mom stood in the kitchen and Mom expressed one last time how she didn't want him to "ever do that again!", Larry shouted back at Mom "I WON'T!" at the exact time Dad walked around the corner and into the kitchen.
In less time that it takes a young cat to pounce on an old mouse, Dad grabbed my fully grown 6 foot tall 180 pound brother up off the ground, shoved him up against the kitchen cabinet (Dad never once mis-treated us or used unreasonable force-he also never bluffed when he said he was going to do something...not once) and said (in a voice that we had learned many years earlier left no room for mis-interpretation), "Don't you ever raise your voice to your Mother!"
The next thing my brother knew he was laid across my Dad's knee getting his 16 year old behind "tanned" in what would be the last butt tanning to ever take place in our Rural Route 1 household, as far as I know.
When Dad was done giving his now famous black leather belt one last workout, my brother stood up and Dad looked him square in the eye and said, "I don't care how old or how big you are, if you ever talk to your Mother like again I'll whip your behind...do you understand me?!"
Now, this 14 year old boy happened to be standing there in the living room doorway when this entire operation went down. I'll never forget the look on my brother's face. I remember the pause after Dad stopped talking. And I remember, thinking, "Larry, if you have even an ounce of judgement left after having shot a doe that we both were hoping would turn out to be a buck, don't say anything right now other than "I understand Dad", or something very close to that.
Well, my big brother's better judgement kicked in and he responded with something very close to that; which resulted in him being able to sit down reasonably well later that day to eat his 16th birthday cake (Dad told us years later that when he grabbed my brother to turn him over his knee, he thought to himself "Lord don't let this boy turn on me-he's big enough and strong enough now to whip my butt if he decides to!").
As I've looked back on that episode over the years, I realized something profound: there in our kitchen on that late fall day in 1973, our Dad explained to us on no uncertain terms, his expectation of how a young man is supposed to respect his mom under any and all circumstances; that it's a man's responsibility to always stand up for his wife; that actions speak much louder than words and that when circumstances arise that call for a man to act, you take action. He confirmed to his impressionable sons that being a man doesn't have nearly as much to do with what you say, as it does with what you do. It has nothing to do with fame or fortune or eloquent fire side speeches. It has everything to do with how you treat people-starting with your mother and your wife.
Thanks Dad for setting a good example all those years and teaching us what it is to be a man. You guessed right...we were watching.
Happy Fathers Day!

The Rest of The Story

2011-06-15T06:48:00.009-05:00

I heard yesterday that some gal named Crystal had decided at the last minute to NOT marry Hugh Hefner. I thought, "Now why would anyone not want to marry Hugh Hefner?". I'm a heterosexual 51 year old man, and if I wasn't already happily married, I might even marry Hugh Hefner.
As you're probably aware, Hugh Hefner is the guy who started Playboy magazine. The only time we ever hear anything about Hugh is on the anniversary of the founding of Play Boy magazine, and usually in 5 year increments (like 25, 40, 50 and so on). I have no idea when Play Boy was founded but on the anniversary they always show Hugh at the Play Boy mansion lying around the swimming pool with a bevy of Play Boy babes scantily clad in swim thongs, sipping mai-tai's and hanging all over Hugh like he's some sort of Greek God. It used to make Hugh look pretty cool, but the older I get the more it seems to just make him look like a dirty old man (not that there's anything wrong with being a dirty old man if you can pull it off).
The thing that caught my ear when I heard Crystal (25 years old) had decided in the eleventh hour to NOT marry Ol' Hugh (who's 86 years old) was, when the news anchor said, "there was no reason given".
Confident it had nothing to do with the fact that this girl (who's only 1 year older than my daughter) finally woke up and realized that although very wealthy, Hugh was nearly 3 1/2 times older than she is, I decided to do a little investigative reporting.
I tracked Crystal down on facebook and just flat out asked her why she decided not to marry Hugh. Just as I suspected, she confirmed that her decision to back out of the marriage to the founder of Play Boy, had NOTHING to do with the fact that her future husband was nearly 3 1/2 times older than her. She decided to back out of the marriage because she finally realized old Hugh was 15 years older.....than her grandpa.
And now you know the rest of the story.

You don't get old being a fool

2011-06-10T06:31:00.011-05:00

My Uncle Pat died a few years ago at the age of 92. There's an old saying that you don't get old being a fool. Uncle Pat was a testament to that.
He was a prolific reader and largely a self taught man. According to my cousin Vic, it wasn't uncommon for Uncle Pat to read a book a day. Although Uncle Pat didn't say a lot, when he did, you listened. He was the Merrill Lynch of our family. The only extravagant thing Uncle Pat and Aunt Katherine ever did as far as I know, was buy a new Buick every couple of years, whether they needed it or not. Other than that, they kept things pretty simple (for example, they lived in the same 1000 square foot house for over 50 years).
The one thing Uncle Pat was always concerned about, was the fear of living through another economic depression. He lived through the first one and apparently didn't like it. He always told my Dad, that to protect yourself against going hungry in the event of a repeat of 1929, you needed to own things of "real value" as apposed to stocks and bonds. Stocks aren't worth much if the entity behind the stock goes out of business and bonds are only good for starting a camp fire if the issuer of the bond can't pay you back for the money you loaned them (paraphrasing here-I wasn't privy to the actual conversations).
Bottom line: I think he was right. I also sense strongly that our country is not going to be able to print it's way out of debt. I'm no financial genius but the fact that our country has over $14 trillion in debt and has, for years now, been spending more than they take in, points to a financial disaster the likes of which none of us has ever seen. I don't normally buy into the prognostications of those who preach doom and gloom. I'm actually not buying into it now. But on a common sense level, I don't see anything related to our economy that tells me things are going to get better, without making radicle changes to the way we do business as a nation.
If for the past several years, you've been spending substantially more than you earn (government spending versus tax revenue); if you have racked up more debt than you could ever possibly pay back (14 trillion and growing by the second-no possible way to ever pay this off) and if you don't have a way of generating an income above your current pay check (the maximum amount you can tax the people is 100%), then at some point you're going belly up. And if you go belly up, it will be years before anyone is ever going to take you at your word that you'll pay them back if they'll loan you money like they used to back before you went belly up eg: China and other countries buying US Treasury Notes and similar debt instruments from our government on the hopes that they'll eventually get their money back.
I think we'd all be wise to focus on paying off what ever debt we might have, and while we're doing that, learn to live on less than we make. We might also be well served to think about how we're going to buy groceries if the value of our currency continues to decline, to the potential point of being worthless. They don't call that a depression-they call it a total financial collapse (just like personal bankruptcy-only worse).
Whether or not things get better or keep getting worse, it looks like Uncle Pat was right; we need to own things that have an actual value, so we're never in a position of having to stand in a soup line or live in an old bus.
Thanks Uncle Pat for passing along your wisdom. You didn't get old being a fool!

Weiner Wows

2011-06-08T06:42:00.004-05:00

Is there no limit to the ridiculous things our elected officials will do. I'm sure there must be at least a few of these folks who aren't complete Goobers, but all signs point to the apparent fact that most of them are just not very smart.
I've told our kids ever since they were little, that the only thing they'll ever have that can't be "taken" from them, is their integrity. Anthony Weiner, the congressman from New York, is saying he "will not resign" his position as a United States Congressman. It's hard to imagine how anyone could have that much arrogance in the face of having put themselves in such a humiliating situation. I've thought it over and the only thing I can come up with regarding his motivation for not stepping down and running for the hills is: he has nothing left to lose.

Set Me Straight

2011-06-06T18:41:00.011-05:00

I received some very direct and straightforward communication from a friend I hold in very high regard, concerning my previous post, "Don't forget the Circus Little People".
This friend shared their view on the overall subject of sexual orientation. That individual was completely respectful to me but let me know on straightforward terms how they felt about the blog in question. For clarification, in the post "Don't forget the Circus Little People", I was expressing my disdain for the people who are leading our government who consistently and continually spend their time and our money focussing on things that are not critical to all Americans. I don't ever want to be disrespectful or hurtful to anyone (and I'm sincere on this). I've actually changed my view substantially on the subject of sexual orientation over the last few years. I don't have a problem with individuals who are gay or for that matter, with the gay community as a whole. The thing I have a huge issue with (I hope we all do), is the fact that the leaders of our government too often focus on things that affect relatively small groups of folks or special interest groups. Here's a list of things that affect all Americans, regardless of color, height, sexual orientation, age, gender, political affiliation, fiscal views and so on:

-The 2 wars we're fighting
-The economy
-The +14 trillion dollar debt that's growing daily
-The fact that our government is "broke" and continues spending dramatically more than they're takin in
-The border problem between America and Mexico (not to mention the drug problem)
-Rampent inflation (check the prices on stuff you buy all the time at your favorite stores and compare them to what you paid 2 years ago)
-Our lackluster educational system, and the list goes on and on

I really don't want to spend any of my time writing about this stuff (I'd rather write about 'The Rolla Boys' or make fun of celebrities) and you don't want to spend your time reading it. The one thing I bet all of us agree on is, the boys and girls on the hill need to fix the huge things that affect us all, before they spend their time and our money on things that primarily affect individual groups.
For the record, I don't feel even the Boy Scouts deserve any special considerations until our elected Goobers can at least figure out how to not spend more money than they take in.

Don't forget the Circus Little People

2011-06-05T12:35:00.008-05:00

In light of the obvious fact that our President, his administration and the vast majority of his followers don't want any group, regardless of overall size, to feel less than fully appreciated (remember-he declared June "GLBT" month-or something very close to that), I have an idea I think he and his administration will be able to get behind: lets dedicate the entire month of July to Circus Midgets!
Now please don't get me wrong-I have absolutely nothing against Circus Midgets (although I must be forthcoming that as a young child the fear of one living under my bed did give me nightmares on more than one occasion). I also have absolutely nothing against anyone who feels they fall into the category of GLB or T-especially the G's, L's and T's (I have to admit here I just can't relate in any way shape of form to the B's-that's just flat weird and twisted in my book). I just think it's ridiculous that we have become so overly concerned about everyones individual feelings (everyone except Christians, Jews, supporters of the 2nd amendment, pro-lifers, people with common sense, capitalist, heterosexuals (especially if your white) people against big and far reaching government, and anyone else who doesn't fall into any of the myriad official minority groups, just to name a few).
We need to grow back up and be more like the people Tom Brokaw refers to as "The Greatest Generation". We need to try real hard to limit the ridiculous things we do and declare. We need to allow people to feel good/bad about themselves all on their own, without interference from our elected officials. We need to stop being a bunch of babies. If all the adults continue to be "ascared" of so many silly things, who's going to raise all these kids-the T's (not that there's anything wrong with that)?

PS. Spank me-just don't forget to call me for supper!

What's in a name.

2011-06-04T09:03:00.003-05:00

When I first heard about the Congressman Anthony Weiner debacle, I thought to myself, "Surly this can't be true". You'd have to have a major screw loose to take a picture like that of yourself and store it anywhere where it had even a remote chance of showing up on a social media site (unless your name is Dylan and you're like 13).
But to take a picture like this of your self and store in on your phone while you're a sitting member of the United States Congress, in my opinion confirms you're mentally short of full capacity. Forget the reported fact that ultimately the picture in question was sent to a 21 year old college student.
Oh, and the little fact that your last name is Weiner.....just makes you a glutton for punishment.

WWFDRD!

2011-06-03T08:47:00.011-05:00

When I read this morning that President Obama had declared June, "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Pride Month", I was not surprised (I bet you thought I was going to say I was surprised). I was not surprised because of the results of the comparitive greatness test I give our Presidents now and then. It goes like this:

Compared to previous presidents who history shows overall as having done a good job, how's our current one doing? Specifically, I ask questions like, "What would George, Abe, Franklin, Harry or Dwight have done? Imagine the below scenario:

Time: 7:15 a.m.
Date: May 15, 1942
Place: Oval Office

President Roosevelt has been sitting at his desk since 3:15 that morning. He sits in his wheel chair going through stacks of paper and intellegence reports containing the latest information on the war in Euorope and the war in the Pacific. He hasn't slept well in over 5 years-ever since reports began coming in about a lunitic in Germany who was massing a vast army of killing drones and buying up large quantities of tattoo ink.
In walks Vice President Harry Truman and chief of staff Groucho Marks (I don't know who FDR's chief of staff was in May, 1942 so I'll go with Groucho).

Truman: "Mr. President, Groucho has a declaration here he'd like you to sign. One of the California Reps came up with it and Groucho thinks it's a good idea. He needs your signature this morning so the ladies at Flag Mart will have time to make up the necessary quantity of flags."

FDR: "Alright, but make it fast-we've got a couple of wars we're trying to fight here and a lot more people could die if I'm not able to stay focussed on things that really matter."

Truman: "OK Groucho, make it fast."

Groucho: Placing a document on the Presidents desk, next to his huge stack of critical reports says, "Just sign right here Mr. President and we'll make this thing happen!"

FDR: After reading the proclamation with a befuddled look on his face, the President ask; "What the hell is a 'transgender'? You know I'm well aware of what a lesbian is and I have a feeling what bisexual might mean, but what in the name of General George S. Patton is a transgender!"

Groucho: "Well Mr. President, that's a man who wants to be a woman or a woman who wants to be a man."

FDR: "Assuming your not $&#*ing me here, and I hope you are, you want me to set aside the entire month of June to 'celebrate' a group of people who, regardless of how I might feel about it personally, must surly comprise a miniscule percentage of the overall population. And assuming I thought this was a great idea, and I don't, wouldn't it make more sense to dedicate the month of June to, oh, I don't know....maybe people who have never been convicted of a felony, or have never abused a child, or all the folks who are not addicted to illegal drugs, or who immigrated to our country legally, or parents who always know where their kids are and what they're up to, or men who have never been unfaithful to their wives, or wives who are always faithful to their husbands, or bank tellers who call you by name, or store clerks who count back change, or companies that make products in America even though it would be cheaper to make them outside the US, or news anchors who just report the news instead of giving you their personal take on it, or newspapers who get most of the facts right, or maybe toddlers who stop pooping their pants once they realize it's not a good idea to run around with poop in their pants, or Boy Scouts who help little old ladies across the street, or lawyers who will only represent people who tell the truth or maybe dogs-you know, man's best friend. Hey, maybe we should have a month for circus midgets....now there's a group of under appreciated folks who deserve a month. Crap, why not give Circus Midgets 2 months? Are you stinking kidding me Groucho...you stupid Jackass!?".

I could go on but you probably get the point by now.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation that would dedicate 1 day each year to honor mothers.
In 2011, President Barack Obama signed a proclamation that dedicates an entire month to honor and celebrate a relatively small group of people because of their sexual orientation.
When President Wilson declared Mother's Day official in the Spring of 1914, we were only days away from the official beginning of World War I.
As President Obama declared June "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month", we're fighting at least 2 wars, are in the middle of the greatest economic depression since the 30's, and are being governed by a group of boys and girls who have us, the hard working tax payers, in debt to the tune of over 14 trillion dollars-soon to be over 16 trillion.

If someone in his administration would have ask him to sign a "GLBT Pride Month" declaration in the summer of 1942, I wonder what FDR would have done.

It doesn't take an expert

2011-06-01T09:13:00.002-05:00

We are in dire economic times and you don't have to be Allen Greenspan or Ben Bernanke to figure it out. Unless these 2 guys are complete and total financial goobers, they, along with the other so called experts on the economy, know we are no longer headed down the road to financial distruction as a Nation-we're at the end of the road. I'm no expert, but I have a strong gut feeling we're going to have a repeat of what happened in 2008 when the finacial snot hit the proverbial fan. Only this time, our government won't be able to borrow money from our friends in China and hand it out to the citizenry fast enough to stave off the inevitable overall financial correction that surly must take place before we can get our overall financial house in order as a nation. More banks will have to fail, more huge and poorly managed companies will have to go out of business, and more individual Americans will have to rely on their generous neighbors to feed and house them until they can find another job. Those who wait around for their state and federal governments to bail them out, will be waiting for a night in shining armor who doesn't exist.
Lastly, if you're thinking about borrowing money for something you don't actually need, you might be better off trying to enjoy life with the things you already have. Borrowing money to buy something you don't need when there's a possibility you soon may no longer have the means to make the payments, must surly feel like entering a beauty contest, when you know you're ugly--in the long run, your chances of winning are slim.

Missing the point

2011-05-20T07:58:00.003-05:00

I've seen a substantial increase over the past few years in the number of folks out riding their bikes, going for a walk, or running for exercise along the numerous trails in North West Arknasas, built just for those type activities. The thing about this I find most interesting, is the number of these folks who are plugged into some sort of listening device (mostly I-pods I'm sure).
Although I can understand the strategy of listening to your favorite music if you're training to run in the Olympics (as a guy who used to run for exercise before I discovered jumping rope is substantially more affective) I get the music thing. But going out for a walk or a bike ride and not being able to hear the sounds of everything around you, seems to go against the point of being outside in the first place. Seems to me, if you're listeing the Snoop Dog, Fiddy Cent or Common rant and rave about stuff that for the most part doesn't make any sense in the first place, you can't fully enjoy the sites, smells and sounds of the great outdoors.

Is a dog right for you?

2011-05-20T07:25:00.011-05:00

If you don't have a dog, you might consider getting one. There's no need to go into all the reason's why dogs make such great companions-you've read all the email cliches, watchced at least 40 Youtube dog videos and have probably read at least part of 1 of the thousands of books written about dogs. But cliches are cliches for a reason-most of them reflect reality. Simply put, a dog's apparent only expectations of it's master is that you feed it, pet it ocassionally, and let it lay around some place in your general vacinity (I had a girlfriend once that fit that description-I wonder what ever happened to her).
For most dog lovers, these basic aspects of nurturing come naturally. If you're thinking about getting a dog but aren't confident you can consistantly provide these 3 basic dog benefits, don't get a dog. If you still feel the need to have a non-judgemental companion however, you should definitely run up to Walmart and get an artificial plant.

PS. As I'm writing this, my friendly canine companion Max is lying in his dog bed by the back door, waiting to see if he gets to go for a ride today in the "Max Mobile"-a 2002 Chevy Tahoe with a mere 207,000 miles to it's credit. He's already eaten breakfast and has been petted at least 3 times, so the rest of his day is gravy!

Hey, hey we're the Monkies!

2011-05-14T08:49:00.012-05:00

The early 70's Saturday morning TV show 'The Monkies' is retro proof positive people will watch what ever kind of junk the networks decide to put in front of them (hard to believe the net-work execs thought that would be a good idea-"Hey, let's find 4 average looking Goobers with not much real talent and make a ridiculous 30 minute Saturday morning TV show that kids will watch. It'll work as long as one of them has a British accent and....." etc etc).
Growing up in Rolla in the 60's and 70's, we had an excuse for watching that kind of stuff: we only had 2 TV channels and sometimes only 1, depending on the weather.
KMOU TV-8 out of Springfield (an ABC affiliate) had some decent shows like 'Danial Boone', 'Wild Kingdom', and 'Ricochet Rabbit', but wasn't reliable for watchable reception. For some reason, KOMU showed up on our "set" on both channel 8 and 3. Ocassionally, we'd switch from channel 8 to 3 and pretend we had 3 channels to choose from instead of just up to 2.
Regardless of the time of day or the weather, we could always count on good reception from good old KRCG TV-13, a CBS affiliate out of Jefferson City, Mo (Jeff if you were a local). KRCG carried all the real good cartoons like 'The Jetsons' and 'The Flintstones' (the real Jetsons and Flintstones-not the ones you watch today with the voice folks who sound kind of like the originals), along with shows like 'Mannix', 'All In The Family', and 'Gunsmoke'.
When we faked being sick and stayed home from school, we could watch game shows like 'The Price Is Right', 'Hollywood Squares' and 'The $10,000 pyriamid' ($10,000 back then was about the average annual salary of people who had a good job). You could also watch the nightly news with Walter Cronkite and once a week or so, a 2 hour movie like 'The Birds' or 'The African Queen'.
Although it would have been nice while we were growing up to have had a few hundred choices for TV viewing like we have today, I'm glad we didn't. If we had, I might never have learned how to throw a baseball, ride a bike, or play Red Light Green Light. I'm sure I would never have been involved with the neighborhood kids in digging underground forts, damming up the creek or chopping down trees to build a log cabin. And with several hundred TV channels at our disposal, I'm sure my friends and I would never have found the time to carry that old toilet all the way up the road to set it on Mackman's front porch, ring the door bell, and run like scalded dogs for the safety of the near-by woods. And had we been inside all day and night watching TV, the Mackmen's probably wouldn't be thinking today, "I wonder what ever happened to those little bastards who lived down the road and left that old toilet on our front porch that time? They're probably in prison....watching old re-runs of 'The Monkies'"!

Attention Deficit Disorder?

2011-05-01T09:37:00.010-05:00

Warning to men who grew up before they discovered attention deficit disorder, and are not currently on medication.
If you're in the neighborhood of 50 and don't want to suffer the same recent fate as one unfortunate man from Gravette, Arkansas, listen up and heed the warning to "Stay focussed man!";

This guy's wife sent him to Walmart for some BBQ'd potato chips and a couple boxes of Little Debbies. Like a lot of guys our age, he got side tracked when he saw a sign advertising a "2 for 1" special on Dilly Bars at Dairy Queen. He got home a couple hours later to discover his wife had given him up for dead and remarried.
Not all was lost, however-he said the Dilly Bars were "Really good!".

Did it really happen that way?

2011-04-27T19:37:00.005-05:00

I'm was beginning to wonder whether or not anything I remembered from my childhood, actually ever happened. For example: I received a BB gun for Christmas when I was 5 or 6, and I vividly remember walking around our yard "all by myself" with my BB gun shooting birds (not acceptable today). I know I was 6 because we moved off the farm when I was 6 and that's where I remember shooting the BB gun "all by myself".
I was telling this story a while back and my Mom said, "Oh Russell, we did not let you shoot your BB gun all by yourself when you were 6 years old!" I told her I knew for sure I had because I could remember it like it was yesterday. She maintained there was "no way" her and Dad would have let us shoot our BB guns all by ourselves when we were 6 years old.
I began questioning everything I thought I remembered from my early years, when I was struck by the following thought: maybe Mom's the one who doesn't remember. Suddenly, I felt much better about the accuracy of my recall!

Donald Trump

2011-04-27T19:23:00.003-05:00

Dandy Don Trump told reporters the other day he bought a house for $41 million and sold it a "short time later" for over $100 million. Sorry Donald, this is not a good reason for us to elect you as our next President. Our current and previous President have done way better than that with increasing the deficit. When you show us you can take $41 million and turn it into say, a few billion, then we'll talk!

Hot off the press!

2011-04-27T19:19:00.003-05:00

Just in from the Federal Reserve: According to Ben and the boys, a billion is the new million. Thanks Ben for giving us all something to feel good about!

The Rolla Boys™-Chapter 8-B

2010-12-15T20:56:00.028-06:00

Football played a significant role in my childhood between the ages of about 9 and 15. I acquired my first "genuine leather" football for Christmas in 1969. It was an official Ted Williams signature brand and it came from our local Sears Catalog store, located on Kings Highway-now a Chevrolet dealership. Ted Williams was a baseball player, but in the 60's Sears and Roebuck paid Ted for the use of his name and apparently put it on all of their sporting goods related merchandise until celebrities like Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey came along. I'm not an expert on Sears, but my Mom worked there for about 25 years, so and I recall a fair amount of related details.
I received a football helmet that same Christmas which also came from Sears. It was white with double red stripes running front to back down the center of the helmet. I was the only kid in our neighborhood with a helmet and the other kids sometimes complained if I wore it during one of our frequent games in Jim Ballentine's back yard. Apparently, it put them at a competitive disadvantage if I wasn't as concerned as they were about running head first into one of Mrs. Ballentine's 2 cast iron clothes line poles. My Ted Williams football, however, was a huge hit. I couldn't begin to count the number of touchdowns scored with that football-probably a thousand or more.
Before the Christmas of 1969, we played neighborhood ball with Ballentine's Voit football, made from extra hard industrial strength synthetic rubber. Jim's Mom was a gym teacher at the high school and his Dad was the Vice Principal as well as a former coach. As a result, they always had plenty of sporting equipment laying around. I don't know for sure where they got that darn football, but when Big Jim wound up and whacked you in the head with it at point blank range, you didn't forget it!
When we were kids, my little brother Mark and I used to play in the side yard at our Uncle Pat and Aunt Katherine's house in Jefferson City. I was 4 years older and a lot bigger at the time, so I'd play on my knees to make it more fair.
Unlike most towns today where kids start playing full contact football as soon as they can walk, we didn't have tackle football in Rolla until the 7th grade. We did have intramural flag football that pitted the 3 primary local elementary schools against each other in interscholastic competition (I heard about other ancillary elementary schools in Rolla like Eugene Field and Benton, but no one I knew attended either of these schools or even knew for sure whether or not the schools actually existed).
There were 2 flag football leagues-5th grade and 6th grade. We played several games each Fall at Green Acres Park, located just down from the main cemetary and across the street from the Delano gas station.
As a side note, the Delano gas station was owned and operated by the oldest set of twins I'd ever came across while growing up. These 2 guys were probably in their mid 30's at the time I started driving. I'd stop in every few days to put 5 or 6 bucks worth of gas in my car at their self service pump-a relatively new idea in 1975. I don't know what I thought became of twins when they grew up, but apparently I thought they stopped looking like each other. These guys didn't stop.
At the end of the elementary football season, the championship games were played at the high school under the lights There was a 5th grade boys championship and the 6th grade boys championship (girls were not allowed to play organized football in the 70's and boys were not allowed to play with dolls-unless of course the dolls were GI Joe or Johnny West and you didn't get caught playing with one past the 3rd grade or so).
Aside from a few basketball tournament title games, the only championship game I was ever personally a part of, was the "Rolla Elementary School 6th grade Intramural Flag Football Championship of 1971". As a young kid I'd watched several high school football games sitting under the lights at Lions Memorial Field and dreaming of some day myself being out there. I'll never forget the feeling of running out under those lights in front of my Mom and Dad, brothers, a small handful of class mates, and the parents of some of my friends. From the perspective of a 12 year old small town kid, I felt like The Rolla Boys and I were on a big time stage that night. I'm confident Johnny Unitas couldn't have felt much differently when he ran out onto the field at the Orange Bowl in Super Bowl V of that same year.
As if things could possibly get any better for me that night, I caught a long touchdown pass in the second half from our quarterback Randy Warrenton (it's my understanding that Randy still holds a tie with my brother Larry for being the biggest kid in history to graduate from Fort Wyman Elementary). Randy could throw the ball a mile as well as run like the wind. He probably could have just ran the ball himself and scored on every other play, but taking his Que from Broadway Joe "Willy" Namoth of the New York Jets, he knew there was more glamour in throwing the ball than in running it. As a result, he threw the ball a big part of the time. This wasn't good for our running backs Beaver Moses and Rick Milner, but they caught their fair share of passes as I recall.
I caught the ball on the run over my shoulder and when I looked down field I saw only one kid between me and the end zone. I'll never forget the look on his face as he focussed all his attention on the two red flags flapping in the wind from the belt around my waist. He was wearing gloves and a stocking cap and as I tried to run around him, he fell down on his knees and reached out with both hands, grabbing at my flags. It felt like he pulled both of them loose but I didn't hear Coach Wilson or Coach Whitick blow their whistle, so I kept running. When I hit the end zone and realized both of my flags were in tact, I couldn't believe it. I had actually scored a touch down in the Championship game, and it was an awesome feeling. I recall running back to the guys and jumping around giving each other "5's" (not high 5's as the high 5 wouldn't be invented for several more years-just the original old horizontal 5) and it was wonderful! It was the coolest thing to happen to me personally in my budding sports career.
The score went back and forth the entire game and late in the 4th quarter we found ourselves down by less than a touchdown (we didn't kick field goals in Rolla grade school football, so each extra point attempt was either a run or a pass).
It was a classic ending. We had the ball on about their 15 yard line, with just enough time on the clock for one final play. Randy of course called a pass-the classic "Everyone out", which in our play book meant everyone except the center and maybe the guards went out for a pass. The open man that night wound up being my old buddy, Larry Hodgey. Randy yelled out the predictable, "Down, set, hut" and we all took off running in the basic direction he told us to while we were in the huddle. I was covered and apparently so were Beaver, Rick, David and Shorty Harris. As I ran around on the left side of the end zone trying in vain to get open, I looked over and saw Larry standing there in the middle of the end zone absolutely wide open. Randy rared back and let fly with one of the sweetest spirals I'd ever seen him throw. The ball sailed threw the air as if on a rope. The perfect pass from my old buddy Randy, hit the sure handed Hodgey right in the middle of his chest. Oh the sweet, sweet feel of victory. How the Wyman girls would swoon and fawn the next day at school (and maybe even a few Mark Twain girls the next time we went to a show at 'The Uptown Theater'). I would probably have my choice between "going with" the famous Carrie Milner or the fabulous Vicki Volts. We'd be league champions of the Rolla Elementary grid iron. All those days playing football down on 'The Field' were now finally paying off. But these visions of granduer would prove to be premature. Randy's perfect pass hit Larry in the middle of his chest. As he attempted to wrap the ball up in his 11 year old arms, it bounced threw his hands and fell slowly but surly to the ground immediately at his feet.
The whislte blew, the other team started their championship celebration and poor Larry stood there, dejected and stairing at the dead ball laying on the end zone turf immediately at his feet. We just walked off the field, without fan fair and without saying anything. The first loss of our final season of elementary school flag football began to sink in.
It would'nt be the last time we'd taste the agony of defeat in an interscholastic event. But up to that moment, it was the most gut wrenching loss any of us had experienced in sports competition.
The Rolla Boys went through a character building experience that evening, and we all lived to tell about it. I wonder how many of my old buddies remember our championship game, on that fall evening of 1971? I don't think I'll ever forget it!

The Rolla Boys™-Chapter 8

2010-12-13T09:26:00.013-06:00

It wasn't long before we heard a vehicle rumbling up the drive. Howard had called to let us know he and Cool wouldn't be in until sometime around 9 p.m., so we knew it must be our good old friend Vic DaWatt from Denver. The last time either of us had seen Vic was 5 years earlier at our 20 year high school reunion in Rolla. We were looking forward to spending a couple days listening to tales of Vic's former grid iron escapades at RHS and William Jewel College, where Vic played football for 4 years and occasionally attended a class.
When I'd contacted Vic a couple months earlier about coming down, I honestly figured he wouldn't make it. Vic lives in Denver, Colorado with his lovely wife Karen and their 2 boys, where Vic is Director of Admissions for a prestigious university. With busy work schedules, family activities and the logistics of getting from Denver to Barry County, I just figured something would come up at the last minute that would keep him from attending our get together. But there he was in his sock footed sandals, climbing out of the Chevy Cobalt he'd rented in Springfield, Missouri. As always, he looked relatively awake, very relaxed, and ready for a weekend of no plans and no expectations.
We unloaded Vic's car and put his bags inside the cabin next to the gun safe. After a quick stop off at the commode, Vic found an empty chair on the deck where he, Beav and I spent the next couple hours eating Ranch Chile, drinking mostly non-alcoholic beverages, and catching up on what had been going on recently in our individual world's.
The subject came up of how Beav and I had first met Victor, and we both remembered it vividly. I first became aware of Vic DaWatt's existence on the 15th day of August, 1973-the first day you could legally start torturing kids in the state of Missouri under the guise of "football practice". It was also the day we met the new rookie football coach for the Rolla Junior High Bull Pups, Coach Theodore Arthur. I don't know who impressed me more; the new kid from Springfield who would quickly become the new star running back for our 8th grade football team, or the new Coach, who would eventually become the Principle at our old Junior High School. In any event, both these guys were cool and in their individual ways made great additions that summer to my ever changing 13 year old world.

The Rolla Boys™-Chapter 7

2010-12-11T10:54:00.044-06:00

As Beave and I relaxed on the deck awaiting the arrival of Victor, Kevin and Howard, we continued sharing stories about our youth. Recalling our days at Wyman, we talked about how much we enjoyed running around on the asphalt playground, littered with a broad assortment of metal objects and structures, placed strategically by the custodial staff to maximize tripping and falling. We actually had a piece of play ground equipment called THE TOWER. It was a 15 foot tall metal structure made out of World War II scrap metal purchased from Warren Deany's local military surplus yard, and painted a brilliant crimson red (apparently it was painted red so when kids fell off of it and busted their heads open, the blood wouldn't leave discernible stains on the equipment). The tower steps were comprised of rusty, sagging metal chains bolted to the tower legs. The chains made it somewhat difficult for even the non chubby kids to climb the full 15 feet to the top. If you did manage to complete the dangerous climb and pull yourself up onto the platform before one of the 6th graders could push you off, you had a 360 degree view of the entire school grounds, including "The Field".
The Field was where we played tackle football during recess (for you younger folks, back in the 60's in Rolla, Missouri, you could get away with playing tackle football in grade school without pads, without helmets, and without the fear of getting sued for accidently knocking out another kids tooth or breaking his collar bone). Kids were tough back then, as evidenced by the actions of my friend Gordon Startle who played recess football with his arm in a cast (I think he broke it falling off the tower). He cold cocked me with it one time during an after lunch game, which resulted in the only serious fight I personally ever found myself in while attending Wyman. Neither of us landed a hard punch and we were friends again by the time the bell rang to come back inside.
When I think about the asphalt playground; the tower; the pole; the highly feared 15 foot tall curvey apparatus with horizontal bars for climbing up and over (which only 9 guys were ever able to do without having to be "sent up" to see the school nurse to have a few stitches put in their scrotum); the 13 foot long by 8 inch tall metal balance beam (the number 1 tripping hazard for grade school kids in the 60's, designed by dentist and pediatritions); the vertical 4 foot cast iron poles for jumping over with the objective of not racking yourself to death, and the 40 foot slide surrounded by ashpalt and concrete, it strikes me that our grade school playground 'then' closely resembles the training course used 'now' by the Navy Seals. Man how things have changed.

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 6-B

2010-12-08T15:09:00.018-06:00

I should note that Miss McCutcheon was actually more than a pretty face-she was an all around excellent 4th grade teacher. I'm confident I learned as much that school year as I did any other. In addition to the teachers I personally had at Fort Wyman, we were fortunate to have a number of other fine teachers as well-teachers like Mrs. Wixon; Miss Woods; Mrs. Beyers; Mrs. Wright; Miss VanBibber; Mrs. Barry; Mrs. Jones; Mrs. Whitney; our music teacher Mrs. Vickers, and of course that doggone school nurse I was so deathly afraid of. I spent the better part of 5 years of my life hiding from that woman. Our school nurse actually wore a white, standard issue hospital nurses dress uniform, carried an assortment of tongue depressors in her pocket (which she was apparently authorized to shove in your mouth for any reason and at anytime she saw fit), wore a stethoscope around her neck, and if that wasn't enough to scare you to death, she topped all that off with one of those old style nurses hats-you know, like the ones they used to wear on General Hospital. If you were "sent up" to see her one on one, it probably meant one of 3 things: she was going to give you a shot, pull a tooth, or stitch up your scrotum. I can't for my life recall her name, but I'll never forget her face, or that ever present smell of alcohol (isopropyl-not Jack Danials). And I can tell you this: she could clear a hallway of an unauthorized gathering faster than Mrs. Wixon with her 3 foot long paddle with holes (the one she kept in the coat closet). The only thing that worked faster at clearing a room than sending in the school nurse, was for someone to yell out, "Double Recess".... and I think that only happened once.

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 6

2010-12-03T07:56:00.029-06:00

Wyman Elementary School is where I met and became life long friends with not only Beaver Moses, but also the likes of Rick Milner, Randy Warrenton, Larry Hodgey and a host of other Goomers, most of whom I've had only speratic contact with since our years in Rolla. I started school at Wyman Elementary in the 2nd grade in 1967, after having spent 2 years across town in the 1st grade at Mark Twain (actually Mark Twain Elementary was a fine school, but old loyalties die hard and I'll always be a Wyman man at heart).
I loved all my teachers in grade school, starting with Miss Gribz in the 2nd grade; Mrs. Shackelford in the 3rd; as mentioned Miss McCutcheon in 4th; Mrs. Rutherford in the 5th, and finally, Mrs. Less in the 6th (her son David was one of my good friends and a nice school "asset" when good plans went afoul).
Elementary school was great for most if not all of the Rolla Boys as far as I know, but I find myself remembering the 4th grade as one of those moments in time. It was essentially "Elementary Camelot". Not only were Beaver, Rick, Randy, Larry, Steve Patter, Brent Moyerstone, Harold Dunnstreet, Tommy Williamson, Shorty Harris and David Lester in my class, we also had a host of pretty girls like Gretchen Fine, Vickie Volts and Carrie Milner. The fact we had a teacher who was surly the prettiest and nicest teacher in the 8 state area, was a major bonus. I don't remember voting on the issue of how "Hot" Miss McCutcheon was, but if we had, I'm pretty sure we would have voted her "The Teacher Most Likely To Be Fantisized About" in junior high. As memory serves me, this was her first teaching assignment out of College. Not that it mattered to us-I don't think we would have cared whether or not she could read or write, as long as she stood in front of the class every day and let us look at her and watch her talk.
She actually could read however, and did just that for about 10 minutes or so nearly every afternoon when we finished up with lunch and recess. The one specific book I vividly recall her reading to the class was, "Charlotte's Web", by acclaimed author E.B. White. I remember her standing in front of the class reading in her mini skirt (I can't be certain how often Miss McCutcheon wore a mini skirt to school, but I know for sure she did on at least one occasion-it was blue) while displaying perfect posture and her signature dimpled smile. To our amusement, she would often times laugh out loud at the antics of Wilbur the pig, Charlotte the spider and Templeton the rat.
I've often wondered whether or not she realized at the time the lasting impact she'd have on the kids she taught that school year; those who were fortunate enough to be drafted into her inaugural 4th grade class in the late Summer of 1969. I know she had a profound impact on me-if I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget that blue dress!

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 5

2010-12-01T19:43:00.020-06:00

"Russell D, ya Ol' Codger-man it's good to see ya", yelled the Beav as he jumped out of his Jinx mobile before it had a chance to come to a complete stop.
Steven Ray Moses had picked up more than one mannerism from his Dad Lou while growing up on Lynwood Drive, in a home that had perhaps the coolest and now most storied basement in all of Phelps County. One of those mannerisms was saying things like, "You old codger" or "You old farmer". If I live to be a hundred, I'll always remember Lou Moses making me feel welcome at their home every single one of the hundreds of times I visited there, beginning when Beav's Mom Jeanine was my Cub Scout Den Mother in 1967, and ending as I recall sometime in the fall of 1977, around the beginning of our senior year at RHS. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I spent the night at the Moses home, played touch football in their sloped and relatively short back yard, or stopped by on Friday nights to pick up the Beav before heading off to watch the latest John Wayne movie at "The Uptown Theater", or to get pizza at Tim's in preparation for cruising the strip to look for girls; girls as I recall we seemed to rarely find. I don't know for sure where all the girls were when we went looking for them in 1975-1978, but apparently they were someplace other than anxiously waiting along Pine Street for us to come driving by so they could jump in our car and throw themselves at us. Although this is how I envisioned it when I was 14 and dreaming about "getting my license", I don't recall it ever actually happening-not even one time. Though at the time, our consistent inability to find girls was frustrating, I know now I'd rather have all the other wonderful memories of growing up in Rolla, such as those that involved the Moses family, who resided very happily all those years at 1127 Lynwood Drive.
After exchanging welcomes and good to see you's at the front gate, I hopped on my 4-wheeler and told Beav to follow me back to the cabin. I took it kind of slow on our way in to give my old buddy a good look around at our little slice of woodland pie, beautifully situated essentially in the middle of Barry County nowhere.
We arrived at the cabin within a short couple of minutes, with enough daylight remaining to get my old buddy unloaded, shown around and situated with a steaming hot cup of "Black as the Ace of Spades Ranch Coffee", before the sun began it's nightly descent on Butler Holler.
As I stood in the kitchen slicing onions, opening cans of tomato sauce and kidney beans, and browning vast quantities of extra fat hamburger, Beav and I began updating each other on the various going's on in our respective lives over the past several years. It takes a while to prepare a near perfect pot of Ranch Chili, and as I diced, sliced and stirred, we shared stories and opinions on a wide variety of subjects; everything from how great each of our wives were, to how proud we both were of our kids and numerous other topics pertaining to family life and related matters. It didn't take long however, for the two of us to find our way to the front deck and for our conversation to find it's way back to the specific time in history, when we actually started becoming good friends. As we both fondly recalled, It was the day after Labor Day, Tuesday September 2, 1969. The specific place was what became our mutual 4th grade class at Fort Wyman Elementary School (a veritable bastion of decency and All-Americanism).
Although I didn't realize it on that hot September morning as I said good-by to Mr. Davis and stepped off bus #11 before walking through the front door of my school, as I'd done numerous times the previous 2 years, this would not be a normal first day of school. It was a day that would go down in the personal history of several Rolla Boys as perhaps their most significant first day of school ever. This was the day a very select group of 9 year old snot nosed boys became, in their eyes, men. It was the day we all met our new 4th grade teacher; the fabulously beautiful and very sophisticated, Miss Caroline McCutcheon. Upon seeing her for the first time, I knew immediately, she definitely was NOT my Dad's 4th grade teacher!

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 4

2010-11-24T10:04:00.030-06:00

Disclaimer: The personalities in the ongoing story of "The Rolla Boys™", are in fact real people. I've chosen to slightly alter the spelling of these names in an effort to protect the true identities of the real life characters I grew up with in the 1960's and 70's. I personally know/knew the vast majority of people who will appear in my story, although occasionally I might write about someone I knew more through acquaintance than close friendship. I have no plans to intentionally incriminate anyone, however, incrimination is largely subjective. If you think you recognize yourself in this or any future writing and prefer your true identity not be revealed, I won't tell anyone who you are if you promise you won't tell anyone. Also, the characterization of people I recall from my childhood but knew primarily from a distance or from their reputation, are accurate and in my opinion, completely fair (based on my memory).

About mid afternoon on Friday October 10, 2003, I received a call from my old friend Steven Ray Moses, telling me he was on Highway 62 East and headed my way. I knew from the landmarks he'd conveyed he was within 25 minutes of the property and would be there soon.
As a note, growing up in Rolla, Missouri, the use of landmarks was critical as it related to giving directions. With the exception of my Dad and his friends Harold Chase and Don Bairdman, no one I knew had any idea of the names of streets in our town, not counting of course the one they lived on, Pine, 10th, and maybe Kings Highway. We gave directions like, "You know that corner where Gordon Startle threw up homecoming night....", or "...if you're on that street that runs into the Kroger parking lot, you go past Snoopy's, turn right at the stop sign on the other side of the laundromat, go over the old wooden bridge and it's just down the bottom of the hill. If you see the house with the dead cat in the front yard, you've gone too far.
This drove my Dad nuts. As a dedicated and professional man of the RPO (Rolla Post Office), he knew not only the names of every street in town, he could also tell you the precise mailing address of everyone in Rolla and most of Phelps County. My brothers and I didn't even know our zip code until we were in the 4th or 5th grade-something to this day Dad refuses to talk about and Mom just says, "Oh you did to!"
Back to the story.....
I strapped on a Colt .45 for affect (the gun not the malt liquor), hopped on my 4-wheeler and headed west for the front gate (at that time we had 2 gates, a red gate and a blue gate, but the blue gate got ran over by an ambulance a few years ago in an unrelated matter, and no longer exist).
As I stood outside the front gate admiring the dubious and eclectic collection of rusty old cars, dilapidated RV's and non-functioning large appliances in Stringly's front yard, I wondered; at what point does a man say to himself, "From now on, instead of throwing old worn out crap away like normal folks are inclined to do, I'm just gonna start putting the stuff in the yard. I know it might make more sense to take this half empty 55 gallon drum of axle grease and that old couch to the dump, but it'll be a lot easier if I just put 'em right here in the yard."
Sidebar: What kind of Babbit brings a wrench in from the garage, disconnects his washer from it's location of 12-15 years, and finds a neighbor drunk enough to talk into coming over and helping him move his washer from the house to the yard. I can vividly imagine that verbal exchange:

Babbit: "Hey Cletis, would you have time to stop by and help me move my washer?"
Cletis: "Sure Babbit. Let me finish this 24 oz can of Old Milwaukee Light and I'll be right over. Oh, where are we moving it to?"
Babbit: "I want to move it to the front yard, between the pile of tin cans and Grandma's old Norge."
Cletis: "Wouldn't it be easier to throw it off the back porch?"
Babbit: "Yah, but it'll look better if we throw it off the front porch."

Where was I? Oh yah, now I remember....
Soon after I arrived at the gate, I saw a slightly banged up older model blue Toyota Jinx Mobile barrel around the corner with the windows rolled down and Brewer and Shipley blaring, "One Toke Over The Line". I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the first Rolla Boy had arrived, and of course, it was "The Beave".

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 3

2010-11-17T17:13:00.015-06:00

I remember being pretty excited about the first official get together at our new and nearly completed log cabin. The fact the group would be comprised exclusively of guys I'd grown up with and in some cases had not seen in years, made the anticipation on my part that much greater. Not all the old friends I'd invited were able to make this first reunion, but I was confident there'd be enough diversity (sorry Nancy Polosi, I'm referring primarily to personalities; not nationality or sexual orientation) to have some quality campfire conversation based largely on memories of an array of wild and ridiculous things we did, or at least thought we did back in the old days.
The cabin was not yet furnished as there was some remaining inside carpentry work yet to be completed. Our sitting and sleeping accommodations consisted primarily of folding camp chairs and aluminum camp cots made in China but purchased at Walton Mart. What would eventually be a wrap around redwood deck was at the present a temporary affair constructed primarily out of left over plywood from the subfloor and roof. It would do nicely however for holding 5 Goomers and a 2 burner propane stove (made in China but purchased at Bass Pro) which would soon be pulling duty for cooking up the first batch of now famous "Ranch Chile".
Note: if your name is Kevin "Cool" Coolile and you find yourself bunking immediately over Victor DaWatt, you might consider Ranch Chile more infamous than famous. Cool however is a fast learner, and by the second night of our reunion had decided he'd be substantially more comfortable sleeping outside in the rain and under a rock.
Over the course of a few afternoons in early October, I had things in order and ready for the first ever "Rolla Boy Reunion at The Ranch". The fire pit was complete, with enough firewood standing by to burn down Chicago (for a second time); ammunition was stockpiled for target shooting and for use in a fire fight in the unlikely event we found ourselves in the position of having to defend ourselves against an onslaught of Barry County Al-Qaeda (unlike some of our friends in Washington, most of the people I know prefer we defend ourselves on the field of battle instead of in a court room, when it comes to nut whacks who want to murder us in our sleep) and groceries had been purchased including plenty of ingredients for an extra large batch of Ranch Chili. All I had to do now, was meet these Goomers at the front gate on the coming Friday evening of October 10th, and make sure they had permission from their wives to stay up past 10:00!

The Rolla Boys™- Chapter 2

2010-11-11T07:41:00.037-06:00

In January of 2003, I started building the infrastructure that would eventually support a dream I'd had since I was in my 20's-a log cabin deep in the woods, ideally in the middle of nowhere particular. I'd purchased land with my brother Larry in 1997, but he eventually lost interest and sold his half of the 160 acres to a good friend of mine, Greg "Magnus" Samson.
While Magnus and I sat talking about log cabins one evening over an icy cold beverage, it hit me that if I was ever going to fulfill my nearly life long dream, I had to at some point pull the trigger and take the first step. As a result of that realization, I shortly after hired local dirt man Raymond Stringly to clear the building site, some good Ol' Missouri Boys out of Cassville to dig a well (960 feet deep), and I started clearing and digging a 2400' long utility easement (over the hills and through the woods of course) with my trusty Husqvarna Model 51 chain saw and a big butted 38hp Vermeer Trencher I'd rented from a local equipment dealer. I was a brush clearing and ditch digging son-of-a-gun I was!
Toward the end of that Summer as we neared completion of the cabin, I decided to try to get some of these old hometown boys to come down and hang out for a weekend at my new place in the woods. Since I'd re-established contact with a handful of these Goomers the past few years, I thought it might be fun to get those guys out for a couple days and nights to sit around a camp fire, eat some chili, blast a few caps and perhaps rehash stories of some of the mostly ridiculous stuff we did while growing up in Rolla, Mo in the 1960's and 70's.
I settled on October 10-12 as a good time for our get-together. The leaves would be changing, the moon would be close to full and we'd have a good chance of decent weather.
One evening around the middle of August, I sat at home and made phone calls to 6 or 7 of my old friends, inviting them down for the get together the following month. I received the somewhat anticipated response of "I can't make it Rob because....", from one of my best friends of all-time, a guy named Randy Warrenton, who I've called Ran-dell ever since I can remember and whom I've known since grade school at Fort Wyman Elementary; one response of, "Man I'd like to Russell but I'm really busy here with my business" from my great old friend Jack Craig who I've known since 7th grade; and 4 responses that went something like, "I'll be there buddy-I wouldn't miss it for the world!".
Those 4 guys along with myself comprised the inaugural group and first official post high school gathering of "The Rolla Boys™". They included, Steven Ray "The Beaver" Moses, Kevin "Cool" Carmile, Vic "Victor" Day-Vault (as our one and only and larger than life 8th grade football coach, Coach Kinder called him) and Craig "Howard" France.
After a 25 year hiatus, The Rolla Boys™ would soon be together again, telling old lies and making up plenty of new ones!

The Rolla Boys™-Chapter 1

2010-11-09T07:14:00.029-06:00

The basis for causing me to reflect on my past and current good friendships, came out of my 20 year high school reunion in the summer of 1998. I was visiting with a group of old friends and class mates at the home of Kevin Starling (since this blog is open to the world, I'll change last names to protect the guilty) and someone commented that it was a shame 10 years had passed since the majority of us had seen each other. I made the observation that at the rate we were going, most of us would see one another 3 more times in our life time, assuming we all attended the next 3 class reunions and everyone reached life expectancy. Steve Smitts commented that we really needed to make an effort to get together at least once a year because, "Stuff was going to start happening"; meaning, people were going to start dying. Unfortunately he was right-we've since lost 3 class mates I'm aware of.
It was at that point that Steven Ray Moses (one of my oldest and dearest friends on the planet) and I agreed that it wouldn't do to see each other just once every 10 years or so, especially considering we only lived a couple of hours apart and we'd been good friends since the 4th grade. I realized how ridiculous it was that we'd gotten together only a handful of times since leaving our mutual home town 20 years ago to seek our individual fame and fortune.
As a result of that conversation, I now make the long and dangerous 2 hour trip to the back country of Muskogee, Oklahoma at least once a year or so to visit my good friend Steve. If I get there early enough, I always find him at home going through his morning ritual of reading the bible and drinking himself silly on "hotter than fried whale snot black coffee". We usually shoot the manure until noon before hitting his favorite local barbeque joint* for lunch and me returning home. This get together has now become a semi annual ritual, and through it I've come to the realization of how amazingly simple it is to create new memories with old friends!

In a future installment of The Rolla Boys™, I'll profile this old guy known far and wide in the day as...."Beaver".
*For the record, Steve's favorite barbeque joint is any barbeque joint that's open and has some food.

Made in China

2010-09-09T06:07:00.008-05:00

A good friend of mine, Doug, recently spent 3 weeks in China visiting his son Hunter. I've yet to hear the details but I know they toured the country and I'm sure they significantly sampled the local culture. It has me wondering; is all the stuff they sell in China Made in America?

Scooters (and stuff like that)

2010-09-08T20:56:00.005-05:00

I've not written anything for quite some time. The fact that I only have 9 followers after nearly a year (counting myself) suggest not many folks are interested in my thoughts and experiences. I keep thinking, "Maybe I need to stay away from anything remotely political in nature". After giving it some thought however, I realized nearly every facet of life is in fact political.
With that in mind, the 19 year old kid on the scooter who recently ran head on into the full sized pickup (both vehicles looked like they were going 20-25 mph), bounced 180 degrees backward, landed on his face and immediately got up and walked it off with just a few scratches and bruises, has my vote for about anything he goes out for the rest of his life, including President of The United States of America--way to go kid (I have no doubt that that exact accident would have killed 999 out of every 1000 people in the world-and probably all extreme left wing liberals)!

All for one and one for all

2010-03-10T08:32:00.014-06:00

If you pay even a little bit of attention to what goes on in our world, you're aware that our senators and congressmen are exempt from many of the laws they pass. We should all ask ourselves if this right.
Wouldn't it make more sense and wouldn't we be more likely to see a greater degree of fairness and common sense as it relates to new laws if they also applied to the very people who make the laws in the first place?
If you agree, than I'm suggesting you and I do our part by writing, emailing or calling our respective senators and congressmen and tell them we expect a new amendment to our constitution that reads as follows:

Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States, that does not equally apply to the senators and/or representatives, and visa versa.

This is not my original thought, as I've heard this call several times. I read it again this morning, compliments of my good friend Johnny 'O', and was reminded of how much sense it makes. I've already done my part and if you have not, there's still time; to my knowledge, they've not yet exempted themselves from all our laws.

And now for something completely different: Our son Tyler informed me recently, his Bulldog 'Douglas' has audible flagellations!

Who's afraid

2010-02-09T15:47:00.008-06:00

If more Americans paid attention to what goes on outside the confines of our own backyards, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in now as a country. The overwhelming truth is, the vast majority of Americans aren't concerned with anything that doesn't impact them directly and immediately.
Without fail, we wait until we have a crisis before we pull our heads out of our rear ends and take a look around. Then we gripe and complain to each other, wondering how it happened.
If you think the very serious economic condition we're in is the governments fault, you'd be mostly wrong. We the American people are to blame; we continue putting knot heads in public office and then just accept crap for governance. We very simply, are getting what we deserve.

Recommendation:

Every individual can make a difference by sending an email, writing a letter, or better yet, making a phone call to their congressmen or senators (key in the search word "congress" or "senate" and get all the information you need). Tell them what's important to you, what you expect them to work on, and how you expect them to vote. Be respectful but let them know you're tired of the ridiculous crap they continue putting out.
Remember, when a government is afraid of the people, you have a democracy. When the people are afraid of the government, you have something completely different.

The great American passtime

2010-02-08T09:02:00.030-06:00

One of our favorite pass times as Americans, is having an opinion on just about everything. Some prefer to argue primarily from a political viewpoint, while others take the more treacherous religious or ideological route. My personal experience has proven to me, it's nearly impossible to change someone's mind, once they've decided what it is they think they believe. Although I'm not officially a political consultant for CNN or Fox News, I do believe this is why we have so much grid lock in our political system.
As a self described non-expert on anything, I'm learning to put aside my moral, social, political, fiscal, and religious views, (that's a lot of views to have to keep up with) in an attempt to see things objectively. I find I'm able to be more objective, when I view the world through the eyes of a 10 year old kid. Here's an example:

As you may be aware, there is an ongoing debate as to whether or not homosexuals (commonly referred to as gays and lesbians) should have the right to serve openly in the military. Currently, as I understand it, there's a "Don't ask don't tell" policy in place. President Obama has declared he's going to change the policy to something like; it's OK to be Gay and you can stay.
It's my belief that, if you posed the issue of gays in the military to a 10 year old kid in terms they could understand, and explained the implications of both positions, they'd probably say something like; "Since the Army Men and Army Women are the ones affected by this whole thing, why don't you just let THEM vote on it."
If we did that, and the results show they don't have a problem with it, then why should it matter to John McCain, Nancy Pelosi, or the guy at Norm's who's putting a new set of tires on my gas guzzling SUV?
If, however, the results show that most military men don't want to take a shower and bunk with guys like Barney Frank, and the majority of military women don't want to take a shower and bunk with women like Rosie O'donnell, why should we have the right to make them?
To me, this approach simply makes way too much sense.
Personally, I don't care one way or the other if our American Armed Service personnel are straight or gay, so long as they're capable of performing their job and providing they can at least shoot straight. But, let's consider letting the people who are actually affected by gays in the military decide what the policy should be. They are, after all, the one's who actually make it possible for our idealistic elected officials to have this debate in the first place.

Your Choice

2010-02-07T21:50:00.010-06:00

If, up to now, you've had a heart for the "Radical Islamist" who you believe are within their full rights to promote their way of life in any manner they see fit, and you think the United States Government is essentially the bad guy and the citizens of the U.S. are just getting what we have coming to us, then ask yourself which of these two teams you'd rather be on:

Team A)
The team who ran 2 airplanes full of mostly innocent people into 2 buildings full of mostly innocent people resulting in the death of a few thousand mostly innocent people, and rejoiced in the murder of the "Infidels" while finding comfort in the endless torment and suffering of the surviving loved ones, or...

Team B)
The team who upon catching the guys responsible for killing their mostly innocent citizens, put them in jail, provided them with lawyers, and are now giving them a FAIR TRIAL (8 years later) in a democratic court of law, where they'll have a realistic chance of being acquitted and sent home to plan their next attack on even more innocent citizens of the very country who gave them a chance at freedom in the first place. This of course, is after having admitted they were behind the cowardly murders of the few thousand mostly innocent people they are charged with killing.

Note: The only rule is, you can't play on both teams.

2010-02-07T09:03:00.001-06:00

2010-02-07T09:01:00.001-06:00

Line in the sand

2010-02-06T10:37:00.008-06:00

A Pulaski County, Arkansas Circuit Judge was recently ousted for allegedly forcing probationers to attend Bible readings, and submit to blood tests and prostate exams (Arkansas Democrat Gazette on 2-6-2010).
For the record, I don't have a problem with probationers being forced to attend Bible readings. After all, these rascals might just learn something that could impact their life in a positive way.
I don't have a huge problem with being forced to submit to a blood test, providing the person taking my blood is a trained professional and providing some one else is paying for it.
But being forced to submit to a prostrate exam because I wrote a bad check or have one too many speeding tickets, is where I have to draw the line.
I don't think anyone should be able to stick their finger up my rear end unless I ask them to, or I'm a legitimate terror suspect. If I am a legitimate terror suspect, I think they should be able to stick anything up there that'll fit, providing there's a good chance it'll make me talk.
Ridiculous perhaps, but at least I know where I draw the line.

Name Game

2010-02-06T10:33:00.001-06:00

You may have heard the news that two local real estate companies are merging to form one new and improved real estate company. They're going to call their new and improved organization, "Coldwell Banker Harris McHaney and Faucette Realty".
Are you kidding me-Coldwell Banker Harris McHaney and Faucette. Is there even a marginal chance that one person outside of their own company is going to be able to remember all that? And wouldn't it cost less to print up all new signs if they went with just 1 name instead of 5.
Here's my recommendation for naming the newly synergized business: call it Coldwell Realty or Banker Realty or Harris Realty or McHaney Realty or Faucette Realty. I could even understand calling it Harris Faucette, since these are the 2 guys who own the company. Considering Mr. Faucette has already agreed to go last on the company moniker, I bet Mr. Harris would be cool with that as well.
Bottom line: Coldwell Banker Harris McHaney and Faucette Realty, is simply much too difficult to remember. Next time we decide to list our house, I think we'll just go with "EXIT". Afterall, when you put your house up for sale, that's all you're really trying to do anyway.

Read all about it!

2010-02-04T13:49:00.017-06:00

The front page headline of today's local newspaper read: Wal-Mart Cuts 300 Jobs.
Even though I feel the folks at The Benton County Daily Record do a fine job overall, could someone please make them aware of the following:

1) Approximately 16 months ago, "Wal-Mart" dropped the hyphen and made the "M" small. They are now "Walmart", followed by the sphincter sign *.

2) A potential follow up headline would be, "Walmart retains 2,106,973 jobs".

3) It doesn't take an economist to figure out that for every dollar in lost wages, there's one less dollar in the economy that potentially could have been spent at Sonic or Waffle Hut.

No more soup for you

2010-02-03T09:03:00.013-06:00

Today, the Arkansas Democrat Gazette reported:

-Tony Chan, a feng shui master who claimed to be the longtime companion of the late Asian billionaire Nina Wang, will not be receiving Wang's estate after a judge in Hong Kong invalidated a "feng shui will" from 2006, saying Wang's signature had been forged.

Afterward, Chan had this to say: "Hong wing chow bing lulinga bong-bong!" I'm not 100% sure, but I think it means something very close to, "Oh man, you gotta be freakin' kdding me!"

A, B or C

2010-02-02T19:43:00.020-06:00

I have to ask the question: Are KY Jelly commercials absolutely necessary?

I can't imagine that my first, first grade teacher, Mrs. Cook (God rest her soul), would have approved of the KY Jelly commercial. I can't help but think if the makers of KY Jelly would have gone to Mrs. Cook back in 1965 and said, "Mrs. Cook, we'd like to ask your opinion on something: Do you think it would be A) a good idea B) a decent idea or C) a bad idea, to advertise KY Jelly on television?"
Mrs. Cook's first response might have been, "I'm sorry, I don't believe I'm familiar with KY Jelly." Once they told her what it was however, I think she would have been "aghast". Aghast not because the product KY Jelly existed, but aghast that the makers of KY Jelly were actually thinking of advertising their product on television and aghast that knowing she would now, more than likely, have to deal with her cute and impressionable little first grade students coming to school and asking, "Gee Willikers Mrs. Cook, what's KY Jelly?".
I'd bet hard money, she would have gone with "C".

Why not "Ridiculous Week"

2010-02-02T17:00:00.011-06:00

I have it on good authority (the informant was my best man when I married my lucky bride 28 years ago) that the University of Florida is celebrating "Islamic Week" this week. In fact, I'm told it's a city wide celebration (it could be a nation wide celebration and I just missed it).
On the surface "Islamic Week" might seem to fit in alright with all the other special celebratory weeks eg: "Gay and Lesbian Week", "Scooter Week", and so on.
There are a few points however, I wonder if the folks in Gainsville took into consideration when narrowing down the list of potential groups to dedicate this week too. Here are just a few off the top of my head:

1) We are engaged in a war against the most devout followers of the Koran (Islam's Holy Book) and these folks have killed several thousand Americans in the name of Islam.

Gee I had a few more, but it seems unnecessary to even mention them after reason #1. Ridiculous--you decide.

Post Script. What's wrong with "United States Army Infantry Week" or "United States Marine Corp" week at the University of Florida. Although it's a bit ironic, these are the guys who make it possible for the Nation of Islam to have an entire week dedicated to them in the first darn place!

I've been Madoffed!

2010-02-02T09:03:00.010-06:00

Can you imagine messing up so badly in life that you're last name becomes a verb?
With that in mind, here's a lighter look at the ridiculous world we live in. As you read through this little antidote, keep the thought in mind, "I've been Madoffed":

A couple years ago I was "Madoffed" by an area business. Although they didn't get my entire life savings, I did allow them to take advantage of my naivete and bilk me out of enough money to pay for a relatively nice used car. Let's just say I felt like I'd been bent over a stump and "Franked".
They told me enough scary facts and half truths to get me all riled up and then got me so far in it was too late to get out. In other words, they "Cheneyed" me.
Oh, I don't mean to infer they outright "Edwardsed" to me regarding the truth, but I for sure felt they had "Clintoned" with the facts.
Though I had no idea if their proposed plan of attack was actually going to work, I decided to go ahead and "Bush" it to the limit. After all, doing something is surly better than doing nothing.
I suppose I shouldn't feel too bad about falling for their little "House Bill" since I was mostly clueless and inexperienced on all the relative issues-a complete "Obama".
Believe it or not, after they "Blogojeviched" me for $13,000 worth of their service, they had the "Limbaugh's" to call me up and tell me they had made an accounting "Pelosi" and under billed me a hundred bucks. I was like, "You gotta be 'Al-Franken' kiddin' me!"
After the incident I felt like a real "Dodd"-I mean a complete and total "Reid". Instead of being up front and "Huckabee" with me, the guy who ran the place "Gored" me into thinking he had invented the entire industry. When I "O'reilly" questioned him as to whether or not he honestly believed their service was needed, he showed absolutely no signs of going "Kerry"-he was 100% sure he was for it.
Wow, did I ever get "Franked".

Eat up-you're paying for it

2010-01-31T16:44:00.003-06:00

BLOGSYNOPSIS (not an actual word...yet):
If you have a good understanding of how the overall retail and advertising industry works, don't waste your time reading this. I'll bet you too have a little chuckle every time you hear a television pitchman like Billy Mays (who has been deceased for like 6 months but is somehow still pitching product-which incidentally is a sign of a real, real good pitchman) proudly exclaim, "If you order before midnight tonight, we'll throw in the Super Extra Deluxe Back Scratcher, a $20 value, "ABSOLUTELY FREE"! And that my friends, is completely ridiculous.

ACTUAL BLOG

The word free is one of the most over used words in business. If a FOR PROFIT business tells you something is "free", you can count on one thing for sure...it's not.
"Free" as used in the world of retail is synonymous with, "THE PRICE IS INCLUDED". Here's an example:
Last week Sam's Club announced they're cutting about 10,000 jobs out of club operations. On the surface you might think they're cutting their cost of doing business. In reality however, they're not. The wages and related expenses for these folks will still hit their profit and loss statement, just in a different spot.
Going forward, the cost of these employee's will initially be paid for by a company named Shopper Events. I say initially because Shopper Events will then charge the merchandise suppliers for all related demonstration cost, including the total cost of the demonstration employees. Additionally, they'll charge the respective suppliers of Sam's Club a fee per demo for their service.
To cover the cost of these demonstrations, the suppliers will in turn charge Sam's by calculating the expense of that service into the cost of merchandise they sell to Sam's Club.
In other words, all cost associated with the demonstration associates and the "free" stuff they're handing out, has always been and will continue to be paid for by Sam's Club.
The net affect: the "free" food and beverage you've been eating and drinking at Sam's over the years, is actually not free at all. You have been paying and will continue to pay for the "free" stuff at the register. There's nothing wrong or deceitful about it, that's just how it works.

Now that you've perhaps been enlightened, the next time you forgo your normal not free lunch at Las Fajitas for a "free" lunch at Sam's, eat up and don't feel bad about going back for seconds-after all, you're paying for it (and if you order before midnight tonight, I'll throw in a 9 ounce can of President Barack Obama's Belly Button Lint, a $20 value, "ABSOLUTELY FREE"!

Can we agree on anything?

2010-01-29T10:00:00.007-06:00

Here's a few points I bet we can all agree on, regardless of your religious or ideological beliefs:

-It's not nice to blow up innocent people-especially when they're on an airplane and don't at least have a chance to run away.

-It's not nice under any circumstances to cut off someone's head, unless it's of course your own.

-It's OK to worship anyone/thing you want, as long as you don't kill people in an effort to convert the people who are still alive, to your way of thinking.

-If someone's involved in your business and you don't like it, don't kill them-get a lawyer (kind of like we're doing with the guys responsible for 911).

-If you don't like women, don't associate with them, but don't abuse them and then insult them further by making them wear clothes they don't like.

-Don't cut off people's hands and feet unless you're a doctor and they ask you to.

-Don't teach your children it's OK to blow up other children.

How to become old and ridiculous-Lesson 1

2010-01-28T08:48:00.002-06:00

If you've been wondering how you too can become old and ridiculous, here's your first lesson:
Basically, just pay attention to what goes on around you and then share your opinion on it.
For example, last night President Obama highlighted hate crime legislation as an accomplishment he was proud of. Here's how it works:

If a person read my blog, found it offensive, came to my house and punched me in the mouth as I opened the door, I could charge them in a court of law with assault. If found guilty they would be subject to punishment "A".
If under the exact same circumstances however, my name was say, Abdul Abba Fareak Farrid instead of Russ, and I was Muslim instead of Non-Muslim, I could charge the guy who punched me in the mouth with a HATE CRIME instead of just a regular old crime. If found guilty he would be subject to the more severe punishment of "A+". Now how ridiculous is that!

This concludes today's lesson on how to become old and ridiculous.

Service to our country.

2010-01-25T10:35:00.010-06:00

I spent 29 years of my life with an organization and within an industry few will ever truly understand. For years I would leave my quarters well before daylight while most civilians where still fast asleep in their warm beds and within the comfort and safety of their own homes. I'd arrive early to assess damages that had resulted from the previous days battle and perform overall reconnaissance before adjusting the plan of attack for my team of fellow warriors. I once went 78 hours without sleep in order to fulfill my duties as commander of my unit. I've seen everything from gunfights to actual hand to hand combat. I've been in life threatening situations and had my life threatened. I've been cussed at, cussed out, called names, and at one time was actually accused by a combatant of being a racist. While serving my fellow man, I've morned the fallen, grieved with the stricken, consoled the heart broken and thank God, at times laughed until I cried. I've had stretches during times of peace when I followed orders to the "T" and in the heat of battle have pushed the limits of my own judgement venturing ever closer to court marshall while facing the fear of a dreaded dishonorable discharge, all in an effort to fulfill my overall duties. After all, I was charged with the responsibility of keeping my operation afloat and my troops from suffering the humiliation of defeat.
As I reflect on my personal years on the front lines serving the people of our great nation, the written words of Charles Dickens come to mind; "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".
Looking back now on my life's experiences, I can honestly say without reservation, I believe everyone should spend at least two full years of their life....managing a Walmart Store!

Free Speech and True Followers

2010-01-23T05:45:00.070-06:00

I am taking a brief departure from my usual silly look at the sometimes ridiculous world we live in, to make you aware of something I find very disturbing. If you wish to keep you're head buried in the sand (or if like me, you simply seldom desire to read anything much over a paragraph) regarding the erosion of free speech in other democracies around the world as it relates specifically to exposing radical and hate filled ideologies, you will want to skip the remainder of this somewhat lengthy post.

Geert Wilders, an outspoken member of the Dutch Parliament (similar to a congressman only apparently with a lot more guts) has been charged in the Netherlands (a democracy) with a hate crime. The court system in the Netherlands is in the process of determining whether or not charges against the Dutch politician should be dropped or if his case should go to trial later this year. If found guilty, it's my understanding he would likely go to prison for "WHAT HE HAS BEEN SAYING".
I won't go into detail regarding what Mr. Wilders has been saying other than to tell you he has been exercising his right to free speech and going out of his way to expose the full message of the Koran. To date, few if any U.S. politicians have dared to even come close to this subject.
The interesting thing is, the truth about the Koran apparently doesn't offend the majority of Muslim's because it is just that-the truth. Like most of us regardless of our belief system, Muslim's are offended when someone says or writes something about their religion that's not true or is insulting and that's understandable. One key difference between Islam and other major religions of the world is (and this is critical)...the book which their entire faith is based on (the Koran) instructs them to "KILL" anyone who insults the Profits of their Islamic faith. Stick with the non-insulting truth, and the only reason a devout follower of the Koran will have for wanting to "KILL YOU" is because you're not a Muslim, which is also a major dictum of the Koran. Growing up in Rolla, we called this situation a double edged sword.

The YouTube link below shows the reaction of a group of "regular citizens" from the United Kingdom (technically still a democracy) to Mr. Wilders' visit to their country.
I want to emphasize that the people you will see in this video are "regular citizens" of the UK walking around on the street amongst the citizenry and not some so called "radical group of militants" holed up in a cave in Afghanistan. I find it nearly unbelievable that these citizens are not being slapped with a 15 yard penalty for un-sportsman like conduct or cited for disturbing the peace as a result of their rather bold life threatening comments.

While these men gather freely and threaten a public figure in a democratic society with death, the guy they are threatening is facing prison for simply telling the truth about an ideology that our own president has referred to publicly as "one of the worlds great religions".
If you aren't aware, the Koran instructs it's followers to "KILL" anyone who insults the profits ("insult" is open for interpretation) or does not "submit" to the Nation of Islam. If the only thing you know about the Koran is what you've heard from Michael Moore, than you might think what I'm saying here is ridiculous. I will agree it's initially difficult to believe that a world wide religion with over a billion followers could actually have as one of it's key precepts, the dictum that you are to "KILL" anyone who insults their religion or refuses to convert to it. You need to know however that this is in fact true. If you're hearing this for the first time and don't believe it, I'd suggest taking 5 minutes of your own time and do a little research, or just click on the link below that I've so conveniently made available to you for a small sample of what's going on in Europe. Trust me, you'll get the gist of it in less than 5 minutes.
Bottom line: Is free speech open to everyone in a democracy and do the people we're fighting in Afghanistan represent a tiny minority of the people who are true followers of the Koran? Let's hope so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=det7TUsLy8U

Take that Geico!

2010-01-19T17:36:00.022-06:00

Am I the only person who's sick and tired of Geico? It's only been a few years ago that no one outside of Geico had ever even heard of Geico. If today, you've only been in the United States illegally for 1 hour but you've watched at least 15 minutes of television, then you've heard of Geico. Actually, if you've watched TV for at least 9 minutes in your entire life, you've heard of Geico 2 or 3 times. You see, Geico has unofficially over taken Bud Lite, Viagra and President Obama as the most advertised products in the history of television. You cannot turn on your TV at any hour of the day or night without running into that stinking green lizard with the fake British accent. And why the fake British accent anyway? Why not a nice Chinese accent? Are the Chinese not good enough for the folks at Geico? Are the fine folks at Geico too good to associate with the Chinese? Oh, now it's coming to me-the Geico folks don't have a problem buying all their pots and pans and tools and shoes and coffee pots and cell phone accessories and camping supplies and bicycles and home furnishings and car mats and hose reels and ladders and clothing and school supplies and rugs and bath towels and picture frames and eye glasses and candles and glassware and barbeque grills and costume jewelry from the Chinese because Chinese imports are cheaper since the folks making the inferior quality products are only getting paid 90 cents an hour and blood thirsty lawyers can't sue them as easily when their stuff puts out an eye, but when it comes to choosing a spokesman to do their lizard voice over, they have to go with a guy who sounds like he's Sir Paul McCartney's ex brother-in-law's boy friend! Well, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't give the lilly livered, tea drinking, crumpet eating folks at Geico 15 minutes of my time if they gave me 15 minutes in a closet with Lois Griffin! Take that Geico!

Anheuser Busch "over-thinking"

2010-01-18T13:24:00.034-06:00

I find the amount of money the beer industry is willing to fork over to push their product, somewhat fascinating. I find it even more fascinating to consider the sheer volume of creativity expended by advertising agencies aimed at creating commercials and designing campaigns that will result in their client selling more brew. No longer do you see the relatively straight forward beer commercials like those that existed in the 1960's and early 70's. Apparently todays targeted customer, the young adult male, is much more sophisticated than their fathers and grandfathers were when they were their age.
For example, take the classic 1960's Hamm's beer commercial you'll likely recall if you're 45 or older. It featured a couple of cartoon bears and it went something like this: "From the land of sky blue wa-a-ters, comes the beer that's so refreshing....Hamm's the beer refreshing, Hamm's the beer refreshing, Hamm's". I might be off a bit on the exact wording of the Hamm's beer song, but you get the idea.
Now even in today's dollars, producing that entire commercial could not possibly have cost more than a couple hundred bucks.
And it's interesting to note, those old commercials were void of subliminal messages as far as I could tell. The Hamm's cartoon bears in no way inferred that if you were a guy and you started drinking refreshing Hamm's beer, you'd suddenly have boat loads of super hot babes beating down your door wanting to have your baby. Nor did they in any way imply that all the real cool people who live in the real cool places would suddenly want to hang out with you all the time and your life would suddenly be one huge spectacular and ongoing party as a result of drinking Hamm's.
No, apparently all they were trying to tell men in the old days was what men in the old days actually needed to know: "WE'RE STILL MAKING BEER AND YOU CAN STILL BUY IT ABOUT ANYWHERE THAT SELLS BEER!"
Pretty simple wouldn't you say? And smart if you ask me. If there was a subliminal message in that old beer commercial, it was probably as simple as, "If you're not drinking Hamm's, we hope you'll try some!"
The bottom line for all of us who drink beer is, we just need to know if they're still making it and if so, where we can get some? It's possible the folks at Anheuser Busch are way over thinking this darn thing!

Step 6-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-18T11:56:00.029-06:00

This is the sixth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"

Step 6:
Can you say, "Super size it?" That's right, make that son of gun as big and bold and juicy as you can make it, and don't hold anything back!
When it's lunch time Monday and you're going through the McDonald's drive thru for the 5th time that week, remember this important fact: the regular sized value meal is for skinny folks. You want that big rascal and you want it to be as big as they can possibly make it. You want it to be McHuge!
When the cute little high school gal at the other end of the speaker says, "Would you like the SUPER EXTRA DELUXE VALUE MEAL", you boldly respond with confidence, "Are you kidding me--is the Pope Catholic; does a bear poop in the woods; does Harry Reid wish he wasn't a star in the book Game Change? You darn right I want that SUPER EXTRA DELUXE VALUE MEAL and while you're at it, can you Super Size it?"
One of the great things about living a Super Sized life is, Super Sizing opportunities exist not only at the drive thru, but also at the grocery store.
A great example of this is found with the Snickers candy bar. You're probably well aware that just about every check stand in America provides you and me the last minute opportunity to purchase a candy bar. And just like they tell us on TV, a Snickers candy bar is one of the best choices you can make when it comes to the need to suppress those nagging hunger pangs that invariably crop up between trips from the McDonald's drive thru for breakfast and the Taco Bell drive thru for lunch.
But did you know your daily Snickers bar can also be Super Sized? It may sound too good to be true but it's not. There is no reason you should have to settle for the regular 2.07 oz Snickers when you can have the 3.70 oz size for just a little more money. Even though the folks at Mars decided to call their big bar "King Size" instead of "Super Size", it's the same concept. Regardless of what you call it, the difference between these two bars is 78%. Are you kidding me, 78% more? Is that even possible? You're darn right it's possible and 78% more candy bar means 78% more fat and calories and in the end of course, that means 78% more you!
Bottom line to lesson #6-Learn the value of super sizing. It's as simple as this: if it says "Super Size", you know you're going to get more. "Super Size" and "More" are synonymous, and more is always better if your objective is to gain weight.

Step 5-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-16T08:39:00.022-06:00

This is the Fifth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"

Step 5:
Maintain a positive attitude my friend! Getting fat takes time and good things come to those who wait. No one goes to bed a trim 142 and wakes up in the morning a bloated 385. I've been working at getting fat all my life and though I've so far made it only to about 185, I consider myself a work in progress. When I graduated high school nearly 32 years ago, I weighed about 160. Some of you may be thinking, "LOSER", but I'm looking at the bright side-that's an increase of over 13%!
I know I have a ways to go before I'm ready to star on the apparent hit TV show, "The worlds biggest Loser", but staying positive about the possibilities of gaining huge amounts of weight gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
So, eat everything you can get your hands on and stay positive. You might even consider adopting as your personal mantra, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting fatter and fatter!"
Remember, when it comes to getting fatter than you ever thought possible, there is no substitute for a positive attitude (with the possible exception of a dozen glazed donuts from Krispy Cream and a half gallon of Braum's whole milk every night just before bed time-you can't go no better)!

Somethings Wrong

2010-01-15T09:38:00.008-06:00

We've gone 5 days or so now without any reporting of the completely and utterly stupid and ridiculous things our politicians have said and done. Which could only mean one thing: They're all busy doing and saying ridiculously stupid things, but the media just isn't reporting on it.
Stay tuned, as I'm completely confident it's just a matter of time!

Post Script. I am not related in any way shape or form to Pat Robertson. Not that I have any particular problem with Pat overall, but he has the worst judgement and sense of timing since General George Custer's now famous line, "I think the Indians are finally ready to talk."

No end in sight to airline insults

2010-01-13T19:38:00.036-06:00

I read a report on a recent AP News Minute that Delta Airlines is raising the price they charge passengers for checked baggage. If it weren't already insulting enough to be charged extra for checked baggage, now they're sticking it to us again by raising the stinking price. That's right, if you want to use any of that valuable cargo space in the empty cavern below the passenger compartment, it's going to cost you and it won't be cheap. I don't know about you, but I find it insulting on both counts.
Would it not be better for all involved if the airlines were forth right and charged us the full amount UP FRONT for the privilege of flying on their airplane. And don't they have at least one person in their company who can sit down and figure up how much they need to charge for a ticket in order to turn a profit, without nickel and diming us to death with all the darn add ons that really aren't even add ons in the first place. And wouldn't it seem reasonable if they simply ran their overall business in a way that resulted in them being competitive and profitable at the same time like most other well ran businesses. Who do they think they are, the United States Government?
Here's my suggestion for Delta Airlines and the rest of the airline industry: figure up the total price you need in order to fly me from Bentonville, Arkansas to Dallas Texas and then CHARGE ME THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR THE DARN TICKET! And while your at it, stop giving me the old "Bernie Madoff" on my diet coke. It's ridiculous to have to get out my wallet on an airplane and it's even more ridiculous to have to give you $2 more for a soda in the air than it's worth on the ground. Remember when you used to just figure the price of a soft drink into the price of the ticket. That's how most businesses in the world do it-it's called "cost of doing business". Walmart doesn't charge you 2 cents at the register for every plastic bag you use to carry out all the stuff you bought there that's made in China-it's included in the price of the stuff you buy! And Chili's doesn't charge you separately for napkins and straws-they include it in the price of the tortilla chips and Southwest Egg Rolls!
Finally, if you're wondering why most airlines now run their business like a cafeteria instead of an airline, here it is: they don't think we're smart enough to figure out how much they're actually going to charge us to fly on their airplane until it's too late. And if you do figure out how much it's going to cost you to fly to see your grandma and you change your mind after you've purchased your ticket, guess what-they're going to charge you for CHANGING YOUR MIND!
Is there no end to the airline insults? Do they really think we're this stupid and naive? Do they honestly think we won't be able to add up all those numbers once we're on the airplane? Do they not realize most of us have a calculator on our phone? Are they clueless about the success of Southwest Airlines?
The bottom line is this folks: as long as we keep buying it, they'll keep on selling it. And that my fellow flyers, is the stinking truth!

Surly he's just kidding.

2010-01-12T16:11:00.023-06:00

Ok, I can see how this is gonna go. I'd fully intended to continue on with "step 6" in the how to series, but our politicians just keep giving me way too much material to be ignored.
This time it's none other than the former Governor of the great state of Chicago (I mean Illinois), Rod Blagojevich, and he's making it way too easy.
Today at about 4:10 PM central time, I was taking a look at the latest news off the internet when I came across this little pearl on the AP News Minute site. According to AP News Minute, Hot Rod gave an interview for the February issue of Esquire Magazine (apparently Pee Wee Herman was not available) and in the interview said, "I'm blacker than Obama." He then went on to give examples of his ethnicity, one of them being the claim that, "I shined shoes."
Ok Rod, I've got some news for you big guy. First off, you're not black. As far as I can tell, you're not even half black, and to be blacker than our President, you'd have to be at least 51% black. Secondly, I've seen plenty of white guys shining shoes in my time so how does you shining shoes prove anything?
For the record, I don't claim to be an expert at spotting black guys, nor do I claim to be an expert at spotting white guys. And although I know the ACLU will likely accuse me of racial profiling, I'm going to admit that I can visually tell a black guy from a white guy in the neighborhood of 9 out of 10 times, given the opportunity.

I'm going to go further out on a limb here and share an observation: on the surface Governor, you don't appear to be even a little bit black and I'm confident people all over America are offended by you claiming to be "blacker" than our President.
The good news Mr. Blagojevich is, you've once again given us the opportunity to learn from your poor judgement. We'll just call this another "Teachable Moment" in America and to take full advantage of the moment, I've taken the liberty to make a couple of list on your behalf. You'll notice the first list is a handful of well known black guys. The second list is a handful of well known white guys. I've used famous guys to compile both list, so you'll know for sure who I'm talking about without the use of pictures:

List 1: Black Guys--Spike Lee, Sammy Davis Jr., B.B. King, George Washington Carver, Michael Jordan and Al Sharpton

List 2: White Guys--Barry Manilow, Chevy Chase, John Madden, Bing Crosby, Toby Keith and Red Skelton

Now, here's where the "Teachable Moment" comes in Rod. Take a look at each list and determine which group of guys you feel you more closely resemble in terms of your outward physical appearance. If you chose the first list, then I've made my point and you can stop challenging our Presidents ethnicity. If you chose the second list however, I need someone to send me another picture of you because you're not who I thought you were. If that's the case and you are black, you have my full apology for saying you're not.

Are you stinking kidding me!

2010-01-11T16:33:00.030-06:00

After hearing and reading about Senator Harry Reid's recently disclosed remarks about President Obama, I simply could not go another moment without commenting. Republican's are calling for Reid to step down from his position as, well...from whatever his position is in the Senate, as a result of comments Reid made in the recently published book, "Game Change".
Since the book was published, Reid has been backing up, apologizing and begging for forgiveness by everyone from Jesse Jackson to Buck Wheat. If you haven't been watching the news the past couple days, the fine Senator from Utah made comments back in 2008 about then Senator Barrack Obama stating he was "light skinned" and (gulp), "doesn't speak with a 'Negro' dialect". Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you stinking kidding me? A United States Senator in 21st century America using the word "Negro" to describe anyone or any part of anyone or any part of any part of anyone--are you stinking kidding me?
To make matters worse, some Republicans are saying Reid's comments are racist. Are you kidding me--racist? His remarks are not nearly as racist in my opinion as the well documented remarks made by Republican Trent Lott a few years ago at Senator Strom Therman's two hundredth birthday party, or any more offensive than public remarks made by RNC Chairman Michael Steele regarding water melon and fried chicken.
And to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the fine Senator from Nevada is in no way a bigot or racist, our current Attorney General, Eric Hoder (who is himself black), said in a recent interview with the Associated Press, "I don't think there's a prejudiced bone in his body." To further prove that Senator Ried is not prejudiced, President Obama (who himself is half black) reportedly said he was not offended by the Senator's remarks.
Ok, enough already with the mud slinging and politicking. I have to take the side of the democrats on this one. Just because Senator Reid used the word "Negro" when referring to a fellow senator, doesn't mean he's prejudiced--it just means he's STUPID! Are you kidding me, are you stinking kidding me? How is it possible that a United States Senator could be so ridiculously ignorant as to use the word "Negro" for any reason? How is it possible that anyone in any form of leadership position in the United States of America today could be so stupid as to even say "Negro" or to let the word "Negro" come out of their mouth (unless of course it was part of a Saturday Night Live skit or some ridiculous blog). Are you kidding me Senator Reid, are you stinking kidding me!
Two final thoughts on this subject and then it's back to "Getting fatter than you ever thought possible":

If our President thinks I'm naive enough to believe he isn't offended in any way shape or form when the word "Negro" is used to describe him or anyone who looks kind of like him, then I'm offended by him thinking I'm that naive! And if Harry Reid gets completely off the hook for using the word "Negro" to describe what he feels are missing attributes of our President, then it shouldn't raise even one eye brow if we find out Senator Reid also said, "Hey, my friend Barney Frank got elected because he's "light in the loafers" and he doesn't really speak with a "queer" dialect like most of the other queers".
Give me a stinking break!

Step 4-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-11T12:18:00.001-06:00

This is the fourth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible"! If you've made it this far, you're doing great. Steps 1, 2 and 3 may have been somewhat difficult to master for some of you however, this next step should be easy even if you've been skinny all your life.

Step 4:
When it comes to dessert, learn to say "yes" without taking time to think about it.
The next time you're eating supper at Chili's, and the waiter 'who's taking care of you tonight' comes over with an assorted dessert tray of 3 pound pie and cake wedges, be prepared to say, "Why yes, I think I WOULD like to look at a desert menu!" Let the ridiculously skinny guy eating by himself at one of those little kiddie tables be the one to embarrass himself by saying, "Oh no, I've had one too many lettuce wraps this evening. I don't have any room left for even one bite of that Ooey-Goey Chocolate and Chewy Volcano Cake, but thanks for asking."
One of the most important things you'll need to remember on your way to getting fatter than you ever thought possible is...THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR DESSERT!

Step 3-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-06T18:58:00.008-06:00

This is the third installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible"! If you've made it this far, it's probably safe to assume you've consulted with your doctor before moving onto step 3. Congratulations for making it through steps 1 and 2!

Step 3:
The next time you go shopping at Walmart, park as close to the store as humanly possible. Avoid the temptation of parking way out by the road. Your goal of putting on several additional pounds, is going to be much more difficult to accomplish if you insist on parking so far away from the stores entrance. Not parking close to the store puts you in the undesirable position of having to walk across the parking lot and that simply goes against the rules of this multi-step wait gain program. Remember, walking burns calories and the only way you can offset the affect of losing calories is by exerting less and eating more. Those far out parking spots are there for a reason and that reason is this; so skinny folks won't be tempted to park in the handicapped parking spots.
Come on, I know you can do it and it's not that difficult. It just takes focus. And if all the close parking spots are taken when you first get to the store, be patient and wait. Sitting around in you car waiting for a close up parking spot is a great way to avoid burning those excess calories. Also, the time you spend waiting in your car is a great time to pork down a few more of those delicious moon pies. And don't worry about running out--the moon pie folks can always make more, trust me!

Step 2-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-06T15:58:00.010-06:00

This is the second installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible"!
I cannot over emphasize here how critical it is that you do not get ahead of yourself. Remember to consult with your doctor to make sure you are healthy enough to start gaining weight. If you and your doctor agree that you've mastered step 1, then you should be ready for step # 2.

Step 2:
Get off that exercise bike and onto one of those little motorized carts your local Walmart Store has so graciously provided for your use and overall enjoyment. Hey, don't let your fat neighbor have all the fun, and don't think you can get away with riding around the store filling up that little motorized cart basket with donuts and Little Debbie's, if you're only in the 50 percentile range for your age, gender and height. If you're skinny and you jump on one of those carts from the scooter store, you're gonna stick out like a soar thumb. No, those carts are there for a reason and the smart folks have figured it out. If you want to be one of the select few who don't have to actually hand push a shopping cart around the store, then get off that tread mill and get on a scooter. In just a few short trips to Walmart, you'll be riding your way to a bigger and better you. Remember, old shopping carts are for old skinny farts. And that's not to mention we all know the folks on those scooters are having way more fun shopping than you are pushing a doggone shopping cart around the store. Needlessly pushing a shopping cart around, burns calories, so STOP IT! Don't be a skinny shopping cart looser--be a motorized shopping cart user!

Step 1-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

2010-01-06T15:08:00.011-06:00

This is the first installment in a series of "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"
Over the years, it's been my observation that there are substantially more than enough books, magazines, assorted articles and television programs that tell us how to lose weight. I don't recall any however, that clearly explain for the few but proud under weight Americans, how to gain weight. If you've made it your New Year's resolution to put on a few pounds, then it's my hope this series of "how to steps" will help you reach your goal. Remember, it's never too late to gain weight!

Step 1:
Don't eat anything that doesn't have a label on it. If you can't read what all the ingredients are, how could you possibly be sure you're getting the daily maximum amount of calories you'll need in order to start putting on those extra pounds you so drastically want to put on. Remember, fresh is for fools--if it's in a box it rocks!

Be watching for step two, "Get off that tread mill", coming soon to an Old and Ridiculous blog near you!

Are we really this gullible?

2010-01-06T10:05:00.005-06:00

I stopped being amazed a while back at how gullible we apparently are as a society. For example, think about how often we're told by our news organizations about a "recent study" that show's (gasp) how a diet rich in fresh fruits and vegetables and low on red meat and other fatty foods, combined with moderate daily exercise, actually results in a healthier life style--UNBELIEVABLE!
Unbelievable not only because it's presented as "new information", but because most of us have known this stuff since we were old enough to read the label on a box of Captain Crunch. Does the media honestly think we're this ridiculously gullible? Do newsroom executives actually find themselves saying, "Hey guys, I've got a super fantastic and unbelievably great idea for a story--let's run one about the recent study done by (insert the name of your favorite research institute or university here) that shows how eating responsibly and exercising daily may actually help people live healthier and longer lives." Wow, what a break through!
Here's one last thing to think about: the only reason AMC stopped making the Gremlin is because people didn't buy it. If we stop buying crap as news, they'll stop pushing it on us!

Is it cold out there or is it just me?

2010-01-05T22:03:00.002-06:00

Is it just me or has it been real, real cold lately. Of course it's usually cold here in Northwest Arkansas in December and January but it seems to me like it's been extra cold. I just saw the weather forecast and the high in our area for this coming Thursday is supposed to be like 5. That's American 5, not Canadian 5. Regardless of whether your thermometer was made in China for Canadians or was made in China for Americans, 5 is dang cold. I'm just thankful for Global Warming. If it wasn't for that, just think how cold it might be!

As long as we keep buying it, they'll keep selling it.

2010-01-04T19:35:00.034-06:00

It's January and if you've been paying attention the last several years, you know January brings us one thing for sure...diet adds.
If you watch even a little television, pull up an occasional free web site or pick up a January issue of just about any magazine available, you'll be reminded that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you've been eating way too much of all the wrong stuff for the past few weeks and everybody knows about it. Thankfully, the consumer products industry is once again coming to our rescue.
Each year immediately following the close of "The Holidays" (the holidays commonly refer to Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Hanukkah-I think) we know we're going to be inundated by the media with the latest and greatest dieting plans and gimmicks. Of course, we're all waiting anxiously in hopes of discovering a completely pain free technique that will result in our taking of the extra weight we recently porked on. Remember, it all began with that first huge piece of pumpkin pie at Mom's house back in November and ended with 19 beers, a block of cheese and 4 pounds of summer sausage on New Years Eve.
As Americans living in the land of plenty, most of us apparently don't have the ability or knowledge to understand why we're overweight and haven't the foggiest idea of how to begin the process of losing the extra weight we decided we no longer want. Come on Kirstie Alley, Valarie Bertinelli and Danny Marino...tell me what to do and quick, before I discover I'm eligible for my very own Jenny Craig commercial!
And while I'm thinking about it, isn't it somewhat insulting that Jenny has actually ran weight loss specials in the past where she advertises she'll let us lose the first 10 pounds free of charge? Gosh, thanks Ms. Craig. Although it's super generous of you, it seems to me I ought to be able to lose all the weight I want and not have to pay anyone a stinking dime. It's my weight, I'll lose all of it if I choose and I won't pay you one red cent! But that's just me and probably further proof...I'm simply ridiculous.

Now that's ridiculous!

2010-01-04T09:39:00.013-06:00

It's obvious to me that as a society, we must surly be the most gullible human beings on the face of the planet. Last night while I was watching the final regular season NFL game of the year on Sunday night football, I witnessed a commercial that made me laugh and at the same time, made me feel a little embarrassed to be a consumer of the American entertainment industry. I don't recall the exact wording of the commercial, but the gist was this: a new diet program that involves going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell instead of your normal fast food place in an effort to lose weight. I'm not kidding. This gal on the commercial is suggesting we utilize the Taco-Bell drive through as part of our ongoing weight loss program. The thought that immediately occurred to me was, "ARE YOU STINKING KIDDING ME?" Could there be even one clear thinking person in America who is actually going to believe this? I literally thought it was a joke and kept waiting for some infomercial pitchman to come on and say something like, "Tune in this week while Senator's Harry Read and Barney Frank host Saturday Night Live!" That didn't happen and apparently it wasn't a joke which leads me to conclude, we must surly be the most gullible group of folks on planet earth!
Hey, I just thought of a great commercial for Macadoodle's (the highest volumn liquor store in the entire state of Missouri). They could do a commercial featuring some old fat guy with a red nose laying on a couch with one of those extra large bottles of Jack Daniel's in his hand, while he says, "I stopped drinking with the help of Macadoodle's. All I did was utilize their convenient drive through 3 times a day for 16 weeks, and just look at me now...I'm completely sober for the first time since 3rd grade!"
As they say, you can't make this crap up!

Just act like it didn't happen-maybe it didn't!

2010-01-02T09:50:00.013-06:00

It was sometime in the summer of 1980. We were standing in the main aisle between health and beauty aids and hardware: our store manager "Big R", sales clerk Lucy and myself. An elderly man walked up and ask where he could find light bulbs. I was pointing to them when from somewhere within the group, an audible flagellation erupted. As I recall, it was a low rumbler but steady, long, and well drawn out. It clearly came from the old man. I glanced at Lucy, a senior at Eldon High School, and she was having a difficult time maintaining control. I glanced at "Big R", and he too was making a heck of an effort at maintaining proper decorum. The old man, who appeared unaffected by the occurrence, walked away apparently unaware he'd done anything out of the ordinary.
The three of us finished our brief conversation and went our separate ways. A few minutes later, Lucy came running up to me and said, "Oh my gosh, did you hear that? I can't believe "Big R" farted like that right there in front of us and that old man. I was so embarrassed!"
I said, "No, no Lucy, that was the old man, not the boss!"
She said, "Oh no, it was "Big R" and I can't wait to tell everyone!"
She went running off down the aisle and through the store stopping to tell everyone she saw about Big R's accidental indiscretion.
No more than 20 seconds later, my boss "Big R" came walking around the corner and as soon as he saw me, lit up with a huge grin on his face. He walked up to me, grabbed me by the arm and said, "Man can you believe that? Lucy stood right there in front of all of us and let that big Ol' nasty thing. It was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing!"
I said, "No, no it wasn't Lucy, it was the old man!"
He said, "Oh no, it wasn't the old man, it was Lucy. I was standing right next to her and it was clearly her. Man, who'd a thought cute little Lucy was capable of anything like that!"
I tried to convince him that it was the old man and not Lucy but he wasn't buying it.
Ås the day went on, various employee's would come up to me smiling and saying things like, "Hey, did you hear about "Big R" cranking one out in front of a customer" or "Man, did you hear about Lucy ripping a big nasty one in front of "Big R" and some old guy looking for light bulbs?"
After a while I decided to just let this story run it's course. As I recall, it circulated around the store and throughout our little town of 3500 folks for most of the week. One of the tellers at the bank even ask me about it as did the assistant manager down at Paul's Grocery, and Dwight, who delivered Pepsi products to our store five days a week. Each time the story was about to fizzle out, someone who'd been off the previous day or two would hear about it for the first time and the story would once again begin to circulate.
I soon gave up trying to convince anyone of what had actually occurred that day. Aside from a good laugh and the momentary distraction from our daily routine of selling stuff primarily made in China, I learned a life lesson from an old man that day that would guide me through several similar potentially embarrassing and ridiculous situations in the coming years. I learned that when you do something in public that has the potential to embarrass you beyond your wildest dreams, maintain complete composure and just act like it didn't happen. In time, you'll leave witnesses wondering whether or not it really did!

Snow Dog Football!

2009-12-29T08:24:00.012-06:00

We were having dinner last night at the home of our very close friends Scott and Kim. As is nearly always the case when we get together, we found ourselves visiting back and forth about silly stuff. I made mention about being old and ridiculous. Courtney, Scott and Kim's oldest off Spring, picked up on it and started laughing. We decided Old and Ridiculous would be a great title for a sit com, movie, book or perhaps broadway play eg: And now, playing at the Walton Art Center for three nights and three nights only, "OLD AND RIDICULOUS" starring, Russ Robertson and his ridiculous friends Scott, Doug and Joe!

It's possible we're on to something here. I've personally witnessed enough ridiculous stuff in my life to fill the pages of at least one small book, and some of these things happened way before I started getting old. Like the time I was playing football in our back yard in my home town of Rolla, Missouri, with our 200 pound Saint Bernard, Schultz (my Dad was a big fan of Schultz, the hapless and naive German POW guard on the 1960/70's sitcom, Hogan's Hero's). I'd throw the football as far as I could and we'd both race after it. If Schultz got to the ball first, he'd grab it up in his mouth and take off running across the yard. Pretending I was a defensive back for the Green Bay Packers, I'd chase him down and tackle him, or at least try to. Remember, Schultz was a full grown Saint Bernard and weighed a little over 200 pounds; I was a full grown 4th grader at Fort Wyman Elementary and weighed in the neighborhood of 70 pounds.
On this particular cold and blustery day in January, there was a full 8 inches or more of snow on the ground, which made our little game of "snow dog football" that much more fun. Schultz would run around kicking up snow behind him and I'd chase after him, diving now and then as we'd both go rolling in the snow. I remember laughing out loud as our big Ol' lummox of a family pet would run around weaving in and out trying to fend off his 70 pound adversary.
Well, our game was fun for a while, but as the old saying goes, it's all fun until someone puts out an eye. I didn't put out an eye, but at the time I would have probably chosen that as an option over what actually happened next. This time when I threw the ball, I was the first one to it. I grabbed it up and took off running in the other direction, back toward the house. I gave big Ol' Schultz a fake to the left and a fake to the right and he went for it both times. But as I was about to claim victory with a last minute touchdown with no time left on the clock, Schultz made a lunge and took both legs right out from under me. I went tumbling into a pile of snow and what should have ended up as a last minute victory for me, ended up as a last minute "lovefest" for him. As I hit the ground rolling in the snow, Schultz pounced and started going after me like a monkey humpin' a football. Normally that description would conjure up a humorous visual for me, but not this time as I found myself playing the part of the football. I saw absolutely no humor in it--none what so ever! I was kicking and yelling and punching and rolling and the more I fought to get out from under his massive body, the more he apparently liked it. The only thought going through my mind as our big Ol' dog loomed over me was, "If Steve Patton, Mike Watson or Jim Ballenger come along and see this, I'm dead. Once news of this story hits the play ground at Wyman, I'm done for and will never hear the end of it!"
I finally managed to get both feet under his chest (thank God no one got a snap shot of that) and pushed with all my mite. That little maneuver threw Schultz off balance just enough that I was able to crawl out from under him and jump up on the deck before he had the chance to get on me again. I was furious and completely humiliated. At the time, I doubt if I knew what it meant to be "violated", but years later when I did learn the meaning of the word, I knew I had experienced it first hand.
I loved Ol' Schultz like a brother but if I would have had a gun that day, I know I would have shot him right between the eyes. He finally cooled off and went about his normal daily activities of guarding our backyard from outlaws, do-baders and marauders. Thank goodness that was my last encounter with Cujo. I remember thinking that if I ever played snow dog football again, it would be with a stinking Chihuahua!
As I reflect back on that winter day in 1971, I can't help from thinking about a scene out of the movie "Christmas Vacation", when Eddie (played by Randy Quad) was giving advice to his cousin Clark (played by Chevy Chase). While referring to the habits of his "Mississippi Leg Hound", Eddie told Clark, "If he gets going on your leg Clark, it's best to just let him finish"!

How would you like to spend the rest of your life?

2009-12-06T20:26:00.021-06:00

Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with a young friend of mine regarding how he thinks he might like to spend the rest of his life. Trying to figure this out as a young person is a tall order. I'm 50 and I'm still trying to figure it out.
You've got to believe the vast majority of young folks fresh out of high school, aren't able to know what kind of career might best fit them. Even with their limited life experience however, they probably have an idea of what they'd like their overall life to look like in the coming years. Here is a suggested way of approaching the rest of your life: Get off the couch!

A good starting point is to determine what things are important to you in your life, and decide what you are willing to give and give up in order to achieve it.
For example, if as a young person you know you'd someday like to get married, have children, live in a nice house in an upper end neighborhood, drive nice cars, wear nice clothes, go on nice vacations, eat in nice restaurants, send your kids to nice colleges and retire nicely before you're too old to enjoy it, there's a few things you'll need to consider. For starters, you'll almost certainly need a college education and maybe even a masters degree. With a degree, you'll have at least a chance of getting an entry level job with a viable and growing company or organization.
Among other potentially undesirable things, you'll need to pay attention, work long hours, put up with substantial corporate politics, perhaps spend time away from your young family on business travel and of course outperform the vast majority of your contemporaries.
Over a period of time, you'll need to prove to the company execs, that you are head and shoulders above most of your co-workers.
This is the absolute minimum it will take to get recognized and promoted. If you're fortunate, by the time you're in your mid 30's, you'll be making the kind of money that will allow you to borrow the kind of money that will allow you to live the life style you've determined ahead of time is important to you. After obtaining the needed level of experience, you might even be able to start a business of your own, where the sky is the limit.

Another option would be to find something you're passionate about and get involved in an industry that revolves around that passion. For example, if I was a young person with a passion for video games, I might try to get a job somewhere in the video game industry. By doing so, I could immerse myself in the thing I'm passionate about and at the same time, surround myself with people in the video game industry who make decisions and make things happen. Although I'd be starting out at the very bottom rung of the ladder, I'd be headed in the right direction. If my goal was to someday be a video game designer, I'm going to have a much better chance of reaching that goal if I'm actually working in the industry as apposed to just being a customer of it. I might get better at playing video games by sitting on the couch practicing my trade, but the odds of an industry chief coming to my house and saying, "Hey Ralphie, how'd you like to be a video game designer", are pretty slim.
On the other hand, not everyone has a need or desire to own a bunch of really nice things. If as a young person I know it won't be important to me to have all the stuff our society uses to measure success, like a big expensive house and a new BMW every couple years, then I might not have to knock myself out like the other guy who spends most of his time trying to get ahead. In my humble opinion, there's nothing wrong with any of this. We just all need to be honest with ourselves regarding what we want out of our physical life. If I want all the stuff then I have to realize I'm not going to get it sitting on the couch watching Ridiculous House Wives and playing Super Kong Dong on my X-Box 3000. I have to be willing to go out and get it, and that's for sure going to mean giving up some stuff for a while and maybe for years. Stuff like Friday nights and weekends, sleeping late and taking off early, and laying around wondering how long I can maintain my current fully funded life style before my parents give me the boot. If I think I'll be able to satisfy the expectations I have for my life by unloading trucks at Walmart for $10 bucks an hour, that's great. But if I know I want more out of life for myself and someday my family, I have to be willing to get off the couch and start something. I need to realize most good things in life don't happen by accident--they happen because someone somewhere, made a decision to get off the couch and make something happen for themselves.

Unbelievable!

2009-12-06T06:52:00.007-06:00

I have a brother who uses the word "Unbelievable" quite a bit. I kid him about it because often times I don't find the thing he finds unbelievable, myself all that unbelievable. It's not that I think I have any particular insight into the world of believability, I've merely chosen to reserve the word unbelievable for things I have at least a little bit of a hard time actually believing. Like the first time I heard Jim Neighbors was a homosexual.
I was about 10 or 11 when my friend Mike told me this, and after he explained to me what a homosexual was, I don't remember what I found more unbelievable: the concept of a man kissing another man, or the concept of Gomer Pyle kissing another man? At the time, I found both these things unbelievable, meaning, I didn't actually believe it. I just figured my friend Mike was making this stuff up, but apparently he wasn't. Which brings me to the point I'd like to share with you this morning:

I find it unbelievable (meaning I really have a hard time believing it) that over 70 million of my fellow countrymen, took a man with no previous leadership experience or responsibility, no previous business experience or responsibility, and no previous experience or responsibility running or managing a business or significant organization of any kind, and literally overnight made him the most powerful person on the planet. I know he was a senator for a brief time, but as far as I know, senators don't really run or manage anything--they primarily vote on stuff. Now, maybe voting on stuff requires a lot more skill and experience than I think it does, but I've never one time in my life heard anyone regard a fellow human being as "a great voter". I don't mean to make light of a senator's responsibility, but the mere act of voting could be performed by most 5 year old kids providing you explained the process to them.
For what it's worth, a little over a year ago I personally checked out then Senator Obama's senate voting record and found that as a United States Senator, he didn't even vote a big part of the time. I found that in and of itself somewhat unbelievable, especially when you consider that the primary criteria most of us would use to assess the performance of our senators, is how they vote.

Now if you're thinking, "Hey Regular Russ, it's not true that our President doesn't have a great deal of experience leading people and running significant organizations, dealing with major financial issues, working with budgets, making military deicions and stuff like that", then show me what I'm missing. I really paid attention during the almost 2 years President Obama was campaigning for the presidency and I don't recall any media source in our nation reporting to us that our current president had any of these previous experiences--not one. If you know that what I've just said is inaccurate, please email me the information and source that shows I'm wrong, because finding out I missed a bunch of news relative to this issue would make me feel a whole lot better about the possibility that our president might actually have a decent idea of how to run the United States of America, fight wars and oversee world affairs. I'm begging you, please share the information with me---I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year now!

Always wanted to be a logger, not a blogger.

2009-12-05T21:45:00.012-06:00

My wife Sue came home tonight after having read an email I'd sent to our friends Irene and Ronnie, and said to me, "You need to start a BLOG." I said, "I thought you had to be famous to start a blog." She said, "Well, you're probably as famous in your own mind as most of the actual famous people are in theirs." I thought to myself, "Huh, by golly I guess I am!"
So, here we are with my very first blog. As a note, I don't really know if the b in blog gets capitalized or if perhaps all the letters are supposed to be capitalized but if they are and I didn't and you stop reading because of that, you probably won't like much of what I might write in the first place. If that's the case, my recommendation at this point for you would be, take the time you might have spent reading stuff from me and utilize it for whatever it is you like to do when you don't really have anything else to do. And just in case I end up writing more than one of these darn things, I feel compelled to share something with you right up front--I don't know a whole lot of things for sure about very many subjects but then, that might put me and you in pretty good company. It's been my observation over the past several years (since I started paying closer attention to stuff that happens outside of my immediate little part of the world) that a whole lot of other people apparently don't know very much either, and I'm referring to people who really should. For example, people like the vast majority of our congressmen and senators!

I won't go any further on that specific subject but, someday I do hope to gain a more clear understanding of how in the snot some of the folks who are running our country ever got to be in a position of running anything, much less our doggone country. It nearly blows my mind and I hope it does yours too.