Can we agree on anything?

Here's a few points I bet we can all agree on, regardless of your religious or ideological beliefs:

-It's not nice to blow up innocent people-especially when they're on an airplane and don't at least have a chance to run away.

-It's not nice under any circumstances to cut off someone's head, unless it's of course your own.

-It's OK to worship anyone/thing you want, as long as you don't kill people in an effort to convert the people who are still alive, to your way of thinking.

-If someone's involved in your business and you don't like it, don't kill them-get a lawyer (kind of like we're doing with the guys responsible for 911).

-If you don't like women, don't associate with them, but don't abuse them and then insult them further by making them wear clothes they don't like.

-Don't cut off people's hands and feet unless you're a doctor and they ask you to.

-Don't teach your children it's OK to blow up other children.

How to become old and ridiculous-Lesson 1

If you've been wondering how you too can become old and ridiculous, here's your first lesson:
Basically, just pay attention to what goes on around you and then share your opinion on it.
For example, last night President Obama highlighted hate crime legislation as an accomplishment he was proud of. Here's how it works:

If a person read my blog, found it offensive, came to my house and punched me in the mouth as I opened the door, I could charge them in a court of law with assault. If found guilty they would be subject to punishment "A".
If under the exact same circumstances however, my name was say, Abdul Abba Fareak Farrid instead of Russ, and I was Muslim instead of Non-Muslim, I could charge the guy who punched me in the mouth with a HATE CRIME instead of just a regular old crime. If found guilty he would be subject to the more severe punishment of "A+". Now how ridiculous is that!

This concludes today's lesson on how to become old and ridiculous.

Service To Our Country

I spent 29 years of my life within an organization while fulfilling a role, few will ever truly understand. For years I would leave my quarters well before daylight while most civilians where still fast asleep in their warm beds and within the comfort and safety of their own homes. I'd arrive early to assess damages that had resulted from the previous days battle and perform overall reconnaissance before adjusting the plan of attack for my team of fellow warriors.
I once went 78 hours without sleep in order to fulfill my duties as commander of my unit. I've seen everything from gunfights to actual hand-to-hand combat. I've been in life threatening situations and had my life threatened. While serving my fellow man, I've morned the fallen, grieved with the stricken, consoled the heart broken, and thank God, at times laughed until I cried.
I've had stretches during times of peace when I followed orders to the "T" and in the heat of battle have pushed the limits of my own judgement, venturing ever closer to court marshall while facing the fear of a dreaded dishonorable discharge; all in an effort to fulfill my overall duties. I was, after-all, charged with responsibility for keeping my operation afloat while doing all I could to see that my troops never had to endure the humiliation of defeat.
As I reflect on my personal years on the front lines serving the people of our great nation, the written words of Charles Dickens come to mind; "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".

Looking back now on my life's experiences, I can honestly say without reservation, I believe everyone should spend at least two full years of their life....managing a Walmart or Sam's Club!

Anheuser Busch "over-thinking"

I find the amount of money the beer industry is willing to fork over to push their product, somewhat fascinating. I find it even more fascinating to consider the sheer volume of creativity expended by advertising agencies aimed at creating commercials and designing campaigns that will result in their client selling more brew. No longer do you see the relatively straight forward beer commercials like those that existed in the 1960's and early 70's. Apparently todays targeted customer, the young adult male, is much more sophisticated than their fathers and grandfathers were when they were their age.
For example, take the classic 1960's Hamm's beer commercial you'll likely recall if you're 45 or older. It featured a couple of cartoon bears and it went something like this: "From the land of sky blue wa-a-ters, comes the beer that's so refreshing....Hamm's the beer refreshing, Hamm's the beer refreshing, Hamm's". I might be off a bit on the exact wording of the Hamm's beer song, but you get the idea.
Even in today's dollars, producing that entire commercial could not possibly have cost more than a couple hundred bucks.

It's interesting that those old commercials were void of subliminal messages as far as I could tell. The Hamm's cartoon bears in no way suggested that if you were a guy and you started drinking refreshing Hamm's beer you'd suddenly have boatloads of super-hot babes beating down your door wanting to bear your future children. Nor did they imply that all the real cool people who live in the real awesome places would now want to hang out with you all the time and your life would be one huge spectacular and ongoing party as a result of drinking Hamm's.  No, apparently all they were trying to tell men in the old days was what men in the old days actually needed to know: "WE'RE STILL MAKING BEER AND YOU CAN STILL BUY IT ABOUT ANYWHERE THAT SELLS BEER!"

Pretty simple wouldn't you say? And smart if you ask me. If there was a subliminal message in that old beer commercial, it was probably as simple as, "If you're not drinking Hamm's, we hope you'll try some!"

The bottom line for all of us who drink beer is, we just need to know if they're still making it and if so, where we can get some? It's possible the folks at Anheuser Busch are way over thinking this doggone beer thing!  I'll try to keep you posted on other beer-related stuff as I become aware of it...

Step 6-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

This is the sixth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"

Step 6:
Can you say, "Super size it?" That's right, make that son of gun as big and bold and juicy as you can make it, and don't hold anything back!
When it's lunch time Monday and you're going through the McDonald's drive thru for the 5th time that week, remember this important fact: the regular sized value meal is for skinny folks. You want that big rascal and you want it to be as big as they can possibly make it. You want it to be McHuge!
When the cute little high school gal at the other end of the speaker says, "Would you like the SUPER EXTRA DELUXE VALUE MEAL", you boldly respond with confidence, "Are you kidding me--is the Pope Catholic; does a bear poop in the woods; does Harry Reid wish he wasn't a star in the book Game Change? You darn right I want that SUPER EXTRA DELUXE VALUE MEAL and while you're at it, can you Super Size it?"
One of the great things about living a Super Sized life is, Super Sizing opportunities exist not only at the drive thru, but also at the grocery store.
A great example of this is found with the Snickers candy bar. You're probably well aware that just about every check stand in America provides you and me the last minute opportunity to purchase a candy bar. And just like they tell us on TV, a Snickers candy bar is one of the best choices you can make when it comes to the need to suppress those nagging hunger pangs that invariably crop up between trips from the McDonald's drive thru for breakfast and the Taco Bell drive thru for lunch.
But did you know your daily Snickers bar can also be Super Sized? It may sound too good to be true but it's not. There is no reason you should have to settle for the regular 2.07 oz Snickers when you can have the 3.70 oz size for just a little more money. Even though the folks at Mars decided to call their big bar "King Size" instead of "Super Size", it's the same concept. Regardless of what you call it, the difference between these two bars is 78%. Are you kidding me, 78% more? Is that even possible? You're darn right it's possible and 78% more candy bar means 78% more fat and calories and in the end of course, that means 78% more you!
Bottom line to lesson #6-Learn the value of super sizing. It's as simple as this: if it says "Super Size", you know you're going to get more. "Super Size" and "More" are synonymous, and more is always better if your objective is to gain weight.

Step 5-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

This is the Fifth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"

Step 5:
Maintain a positive attitude my friend! Getting fat takes time and good things come to those who wait. No one goes to bed a trim 142 and wakes up in the morning a bloated 385. I've been working at getting fat all my life and though I've so far made it only to about 185, I consider myself a work in progress. When I graduated high school nearly 32 years ago, I weighed about 160. Some of you may be thinking, "LOSER", but I'm looking at the bright side-that's an increase of over 13%!
I know I have a ways to go before I'm ready to star on the apparent hit TV show, "The worlds biggest Loser", but staying positive about the possibilities of gaining huge amounts of weight gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
So, eat everything you can get your hands on and stay positive. You might even consider adopting as your personal mantra, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting fatter and fatter!"
Remember, when it comes to getting fatter than you ever thought possible, there is no substitute for a positive attitude (with the possible exception of a dozen glazed donuts from Krispy Cream and a half gallon of Braum's whole milk every night just before bed time-you can't go no better)!

Somethings Wrong

We've gone 5 days or so now without any reporting of the completely and utterly stupid and ridiculous things our politicians have said and done. Which could only mean one thing: They're all busy doing and saying ridiculously stupid things, but the media just isn't reporting on it.
Stay tuned, as I'm completely confident it's just a matter of time!

Post Script. I am not related in any way shape or form to Pat Robertson. Not that I have any particular problem with Pat overall, but he has the worst judgement and sense of timing since General George Custer's now famous line, "I think the Indians are finally ready to talk."

No end in sight to airline insults

I read a report on a recent AP News Minute that Delta Airlines is raising the price they charge passengers for checked baggage. If it weren't already insulting enough to be charged extra for checked baggage, now they're sticking it to us again by raising the stinking price. That's right, if you want to use any of that valuable cargo space in the empty cavern below the passenger compartment, it's going to cost you and it won't be cheap. I don't know about you, but I find it insulting on both counts.
Would it not be better for all involved if the airlines were forth right and charged us the full amount UP FRONT for the privilege of flying on their airplane. And don't they have at least one person in their company who can sit down and figure up how much they need to charge for a ticket in order to turn a profit, without nickel and diming us to death with all the darn add ons that really aren't even add ons in the first place. And wouldn't it seem reasonable if they simply ran their overall business in a way that resulted in them being competitive and profitable at the same time like most other well ran businesses. Who do they think they are, the United States Government?
Here's my suggestion for Delta Airlines and the rest of the airline industry: figure up the total price you need in order to fly me from Bentonville, Arkansas to Dallas Texas and then CHARGE ME THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR THE DARN TICKET! And while your at it, stop giving me the old "Bernie Madoff" on my diet coke. It's ridiculous to have to get out my wallet on an airplane and it's even more ridiculous to have to give you $2 more for a soda in the air than it's worth on the ground. Remember when you used to just figure the price of a soft drink into the price of the ticket. That's how most businesses in the world do it-it's called "cost of doing business". Walmart doesn't charge you 2 cents at the register for every plastic bag you use to carry out all the stuff you bought there that's made in China-it's included in the price of the stuff you buy! And Chili's doesn't charge you separately for napkins and straws-they include it in the price of the tortilla chips and Southwest Egg Rolls!
Finally, if you're wondering why most airlines now run their business like a cafeteria instead of an airline, here it is: they don't think we're smart enough to figure out how much they're actually going to charge us to fly on their airplane until it's too late. And if you do figure out how much it's going to cost you to fly to see your grandma and you change your mind after you've purchased your ticket, guess what-they're going to charge you for CHANGING YOUR MIND!
Is there no end to the airline insults? Do they really think we're this stupid and naive? Do they honestly think we won't be able to add up all those numbers once we're on the airplane? Do they not realize most of us have a calculator on our phone? Are they clueless about the success of Southwest Airlines?
The bottom line is this folks: as long as we keep buying it, they'll keep on selling it. And that my fellow flyers, is the stinking truth!

Step 4-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

This is the fourth installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible"! If you've made it this far, you're doing great. Steps 1, 2 and 3 may have been somewhat difficult to master for some of you however, this next step should be easy even if you've been skinny all your life.

Step 4:
When it comes to dessert, learn to say "yes" without taking time to think about it.
The next time you're eating supper at Chili's, and the waiter 'who's taking care of you tonight' comes over with an assorted dessert tray of 3 pound pie and cake wedges, be prepared to say, "Why yes, I think I WOULD like to look at a desert menu!" Let the ridiculously skinny guy eating by himself at one of those little kiddie tables be the one to embarrass himself by saying, "Oh no, I've had one too many lettuce wraps this evening. I don't have any room left for even one bite of that Ooey-Goey Chocolate and Chewy Volcano Cake, but thanks for asking."
One of the most important things you'll need to remember on your way to getting fatter than you ever thought possible is...THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR DESSERT!

Step 3-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

This is the third installment in the series, "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible"! If you've made it this far, it's probably safe to assume you've consulted with your doctor before moving onto step 3. Congratulations for making it through steps 1 and 2!

Step 3:
The next time you go shopping at Walmart, park as close to the store as humanly possible. Avoid the temptation of parking way out by the road. Your goal of putting on several additional pounds, is going to be much more difficult to accomplish if you insist on parking so far away from the stores entrance. Not parking close to the store puts you in the undesirable position of having to walk across the parking lot and that simply goes against the rules of this multi-step wait gain program. Remember, walking burns calories and the only way you can offset the affect of losing calories is by exerting less and eating more. Those far out parking spots are there for a reason and that reason is this; so skinny folks won't be tempted to park in the handicapped parking spots.
Come on, I know you can do it and it's not that difficult. It just takes focus. And if all the close parking spots are taken when you first get to the store, be patient and wait. Sitting around in you car waiting for a close up parking spot is a great way to avoid burning those excess calories. Also, the time you spend waiting in your car is a great time to pork down a few more of those delicious moon pies. And don't worry about running out--the moon pie folks can always make more, trust me!

Step 1-How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!

This is the first installment in a series of "How to get fatter than you ever thought possible!"
Over the years, it's been my observation that there are substantially more than enough books, magazines, assorted articles and television programs that tell us how to lose weight. I don't recall any however, that clearly explain for the few but proud under weight Americans, how to gain weight. If you've made it your New Year's resolution to put on a few pounds, then it's my hope this series of "how to steps" will help you reach your goal. Remember, it's never too late to gain weight!



Step 1:
Don't eat anything that doesn't have a label on it. If you can't read what all the ingredients are, how could you possibly be sure you're getting the daily maximum amount of calories you'll need in order to start putting on those extra pounds you so drastically want to put on. Remember, fresh is for fools--if it's in a box it rocks!

Be watching for step two, "Get off that tread mill", coming soon to an Old and Ridiculous blog near you!

Are we really this gullible?

I stopped being amazed a while back at how gullible we apparently are as a society. For example, think about how often we're told by our news organizations about a "recent study" that show's (gasp) how a diet rich in fresh fruits and vegetables and low on red meat and other fatty foods, combined with moderate daily exercise, actually results in a healthier life style--UNBELIEVABLE!
Unbelievable not only because it's presented as "new information", but because most of us have known this stuff since we were old enough to read the label on a box of Captain Crunch. Does the media honestly think we're this ridiculously gullible? Do newsroom executives actually find themselves saying, "Hey guys, I've got a super fantastic and unbelievably great idea for a story--let's run one about the recent study done by (insert the name of your favorite research institute or university here) that shows how eating responsibly and exercising daily may actually help people live healthier and longer lives." Wow, what a break through!
Here's one last thing to think about: the only reason AMC stopped making the Gremlin is because people didn't buy it. If we stop buying crap as news, they'll stop pushing it on us!

Is it cold out there or is it just me?

Is it just me or has it been real, real cold lately. Of course it's usually cold here in Northwest Arkansas in December and January but it seems to me like it's been extra cold. I just saw the weather forecast and the high in our area for this coming Thursday is supposed to be like 5. That's American 5, not Canadian 5. Regardless of whether your thermometer was made in China for Canadians or was made in China for Americans, 5 is dang cold. I'm just thankful for Global Warming. If it wasn't for that, just think how cold it might be!

As long as we keep buying it, they'll keep selling it.

It's January and if you've been paying attention the last several years, you know January brings us one thing for sure...diet adds.
If you watch even a little television, pull up an occasional free web site or pick up a January issue of just about any magazine available, you'll be reminded that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you've been eating way too much of all the wrong stuff for the past few weeks and everybody knows about it. Thankfully, the consumer products industry is once again coming to our rescue.
Each year immediately following the close of "The Holidays" (the holidays commonly refer to Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Hanukkah-I think) we know we're going to be inundated by the media with the latest and greatest dieting plans and gimmicks. Of course, we're all waiting anxiously in hopes of discovering a completely pain free technique that will result in our taking of the extra weight we recently porked on. Remember, it all began with that first huge piece of pumpkin pie at Mom's house back in November and ended with 19 beers, a block of cheese and 4 pounds of summer sausage on New Years Eve.
As Americans living in the land of plenty, most of us apparently don't have the ability or knowledge to understand why we're overweight and haven't the foggiest idea of how to begin the process of losing the extra weight we decided we no longer want. Come on Kirstie Alley, Valarie Bertinelli and Danny Marino...tell me what to do and quick, before I discover I'm eligible for my very own Jenny Craig commercial!
And while I'm thinking about it, isn't it somewhat insulting that Jenny has actually ran weight loss specials in the past where she advertises she'll let us lose the first 10 pounds free of charge? Gosh, thanks Ms. Craig. Although it's super generous of you, it seems to me I ought to be able to lose all the weight I want and not have to pay anyone a stinking dime. It's my weight, I'll lose all of it if I choose and I won't pay you one red cent! But that's just me and probably further proof...I'm simply ridiculous.

Now that's ridiculous!

It's obvious to me that as a society, we must surly be the most gullible human beings on the face of the planet. Last night while I was watching the final regular season NFL game of the year on Sunday night football, I witnessed a commercial that made me laugh and at the same time, made me feel a little embarrassed to be a consumer of the American entertainment industry. I don't recall the exact wording of the commercial, but the gist was this: a new diet program that involves going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell instead of your normal fast food place in an effort to lose weight. I'm not kidding. This gal on the commercial is suggesting we utilize the Taco-Bell drive through as part of our ongoing weight loss program. The thought that immediately occurred to me was, "ARE YOU STINKING KIDDING ME?" Could there be even one clear thinking person in America who is actually going to believe this? I literally thought it was a joke and kept waiting for some infomercial pitchman to come on and say something like, "Tune in this week while Senator's Harry Read and Barney Frank host Saturday Night Live!" That didn't happen and apparently it wasn't a joke which leads me to conclude, we must surly be the most gullible group of folks on planet earth!
Hey, I just thought of a great commercial for Macadoodle's (the highest volumn liquor store in the entire state of Missouri). They could do a commercial featuring some old fat guy with a red nose laying on a couch with one of those extra large bottles of Jack Daniel's in his hand, while he says, "I stopped drinking with the help of Macadoodle's. All I did was utilize their convenient drive through 3 times a day for 16 weeks, and just look at me now...I'm completely sober for the first time since 3rd grade!"
As they say, you can't make this crap up!